Bachelorette Recap, Hannah, Ep. 7: Skin to Skin

As riveting as the Chris Harrison/Hannah recap was last week, can I get an AMEN that we got a regular episode this go around? Also, can I get an AMEN that Pilot Pete needs to be the next Bachelor if he doesn’t win?

We’re in Latvia folks—remember, the small country right next to Genovia.

Hannah puts out some Lukeness Monster vibes and finds herself prepping for the week inside of an old church. Dear Lord, please don’t let my dresses rip as I straddle a few men at cocktail parties this week!

As the guys settle into their latest penthouse, Tyler’s lightwash denim on denim ensemble further solidifies my theory that he time traveled to us from the 1950s.

ONE ON ONE:

Garrett, Can I trust our love? – Hannah.

Luke tells the camera that it’s the first time he’s ever been jealous of another guy in the house. It’s like he means the opposite of whatever he says. Maybe if we interpreted him that way, we’d get a lot further.

Garrett meets Hannah in the middle of some abandoned woods, and I immediately see why she didn’t choose Luke for this date. It wouldn’t have been safe. At least she’s aware to stay in public whenever she’s with him.

Garrett looks around for a hot tub or a helicopter, but no such luck. Instead, Hannah leads him on a chilly death march to the side of a small river where they look up and happen to see a sky tram hanging over the water. Whatever is that doing there??

Out fall two bungee jumpers strapped to eachother, face-to-face. Or should I say “no no square to no no square”…they’re butt naked. The Bachelor black box kept the editors on their toes this week.

As the naked man and woman climb out of the water like sexy swamp creatures, they reach out to shake Garrett and Hannah’s hands, who are flabbergasted because when was the last time you shook a guy’s hand while seeing his ding dong for the first time? Or even for the thirtieth time? I mean, really, it’s just not a common exchange.

I mentally urge this young Latvian couple to scurry off, not because I’m uncomfortable, but because I’m very worried for their health. It looks no more than 30 degrees outside.

Garrett and Hannah realize they’ll be bungee jumping naked, and neither seems particularly jazzed about it. Hannah immediately says “My mom is going to kill me,” and Garrett just seems paralyzed but I can’t tell if it’s because he’s scared of heights or because he has a small sausage. Or both.

As they get tied together in the sky tram, Hannah keeps on her bra and undies. I assume Garrett has his underpants on, too, but the black box keeps me from knowing for sure. Just as they clip the last buckle, Hannah reaches behind her back and unclips her bra. She slides it off onto the floor.

ABC has decided that as long as there’s a black box involved, then anything’s a go for network television! Wowza!

Garrett doesn’t react. Hannah is pressing her bare tittays onto him—in public—and he acts like it’s just another Tuesday. 

My theory is that he’s trying reallyyyy hard not to get a bonedog right before falling 200 feet from the sky. That just doesn’t sound comfortable or healthy.

While most people were probably focusing on the fact that Hannah and Garrett are topless together, I’m honestly more shocked that she’s wearing dangly earrings with no back stopper. Will they actually stay in when she falls? Is this a safety hazard?

On the count of three, two Latvian guys shove our naked daters out the window. They fall screaming into each other’s faces, and then makeout once they’re in a steady dangling position.

Once they climb out of the water and don some robes, we see Hannah’s bra go floating by in the river behind them. Guess she won’t be needing that the rest of the day!

They cozy up next to a fire, but that still doesn’t look nearly warm enough to me. You can probably tell I’m a cold person by nature, so I’m very bothered by this idea that they’re supposed to hold a conversation while contracting frostbite.

Hannah calls him out for not reacting to her surprise big move. He claims he was too nervous about the drop ahead of them. Sure.

That night at dinner, Hannah warms herself up in a life-size pink Barbie fur coat.

Garrett relates to her emotions by confessing he always felt like he had to be what other people want him to be, too. They all wanted him to play football, but he actually loves golf. Oh the strain!

After about 60 similes comparing their naked bungee jump to falling in love, Garrett finally cuts to the chase and tells Hannah he’s falling in love…for her. For/with/tomato/tomahto.

He’ll be lucky to make it to the top four, even though he made it to second base. But Hannah likes him more than Dustin, Dylan, or Mike, so she gives him the rose.

When he gets back to the house, Garrett obviously tells his brother-husbands that he and Hannah pressed dirties. Most of the guys seem strangely supportive. Then there’s Luke, who laughs because there’s no way his God-fearing subject of obsession would dare expose herself to another man. It’s all a lie. 

GROUP DATE:  

Mike

Jed

Tyler

Dustin

Luke

Connor

Dylan

Let’s discover Riga. – Hannah

Hannah tells us she can’t wait to have a normal date with seven men!

The group explores Latvia together. Important things that happened: Hannah deep throats a pickle, Dustin knaws on a dead fish head, and Tyler buys her flowers.

Oh, and Hannah confirms that she and Garrett did, in fact, bungee jump naked.

Luke is not happy. Her body is her temple, and this is a slap in his face. (His words, not mine.)

Nonetheless, the men join her in a prayer circle at yet another church, because ABC really wants to hammer home to us that modern Christians are allowed to be as sexual as they want to be. It’s best I keep my opinion out of this one.

For the evening portion of the date, she straddles Tyler first, grinding their nonos in a way that can’t possibly be legal on ABC. But here we are. 

Jed plays piano for her. He’s getting a new edit (from what I can tell) to seem a bit slimey because of the allegations that came out about him having a girlfriend before the show. But Hannah doesn’t know all that, so she goes in for her second heavy makeout of the evening.

Luke tell Hannah he feels cheated on because she got naked with Garrett. He said it really pisses him off, but that he’s going to love her no matter what, even if she makes bone headed mistakes.

Gulp.

Group date rose: Tyler.

SECOND ONE ON ONE DATE: Peter the Pilot. Pilot Pete. Your Next Bachelor. Whatever you’d like to call him. I don’t think he got an actual date card.

Hannah must be eating a lot of oysters in Latvia, because this girl is on a mission to get as steamy as possible this week. Between Garrett, the pickle, Tyler, and now Peter, I am ready for a little innocence to break through the madness. You know, just to break things up.

Anyway, she and Peter are at a sauna. They strip down into their very small swimsuits, and start making out in the steam room. I will say that Peter sure looks like he’s very good in the bedroom. I’m not afraid to say it. Wheweeee.

Hannah seems to agree as she climbs on top while they christen the sauna bench. That’s really all that happened during their day date.

Just as I’m cooling off and settling into their dinner segment, Peter starts speaking to Hannah in Spanish. Okkkkk Peter slow down on the hotness okay?

I get that he looks a bit baby faced, but like…he’s got that “it” factor.

Obviously he gets the rose, and they go makeout under some fireworks.

Later that night as he tells the other dudes about his date, Jed suits up in his fuzzy camel jacket, grabs his girlfriend—I mean his guitar—and heads off to Hannah’s hotel. Standing beneath her balcony, he sings the song he wrote for the Mr. Right Pageant back in episode one. She comes out onto the balcony like Juliet, unaware that her Romeo said I love you and did the deed with his girlfriend the night before coming on the show, claiming it would make them “stronger.” (Sorry for including all the non-show mess in this recap, but I can’t help but let it all bleed together.)

Jed goes upstairs, and plays her more music in bed. Lyrics: “I want to slide that dress up your thigh…is it really a sin to be skin to skin?” (Luke would say yes. I would say skin to skin is actually a bonding technique between an infant and its parents.) Is this the song he wrote his girlfriend, or did he actually write it for Hannah? Eek.

Hannah responds to the serenade in her usual primal fashion, by stripping down to her flimsy silk night tank and straddling Jed in bed for some heavy petting.

Before bed, Luke and Garrett fight some more because that’s what they do. Neither know that currently Jed is dry humping their girlfriend.

The next morning, Hannah barges into the guys’ suite. She wants to talk to Luke.

She tells him that she didn’t like how he shamed her for getting naked with Garrett. Luke says she misunderstood him. (She did not.) She wonders aloud why things are so hard between them. I wonder aloud why no one ever told her that it shouldn’t be hard with the person you marry.

When Luke rejoins the group, he tells them that he’s not going to tell them what he and Hannah just talked about.

Garrett tells him to stay in his lane like Hannah told him to.

Luke yells and points at everyone, saying they don’t understand.

Garrett: Stop trying to be the big dog.

Luke: You stop trying to be the big dog!

Tyler: How’s he trying to be the big dog?

Luke: You weren’t there, my man TC.

Garrett: That’s not an answer.

Luke: Don’t text and drive!

WHAT IS HAPPENING. IS THIS REAL LIFE DIALOGUE??

Chris Harrison shows up and tells the guys that Hannah cancelled the rose ceremony, once again. She doesn’t need actual time to get to know her boyfriends, because in her head she’s apparently choosing Luke no matter what. 

She wears an emerald green satin ball gown that deserved more airtime than it got, and tells the guys that this was a hard decision, even though we all knew exactly who was going. When it’s down to the final 8, there are ALWAYS two guys who have had no air time, and they get sent home this episode every single season.

Peter, Tyler, and Garrett already have roses. The rest go to: 

Jed

Mike

Connor

Luke

We say goodbye to Dylan and Dustin. Sweet quiet lil guys.

Dustin says what we’re all thinking, and in his exit interview, says he thinks Hannah must already be in love with Luke, which is the only logical reason that she keeps letting him stay. Woof. Lawd if it ain’t true.

Luckily, this jam-packed episode ended with some 50s shake-dancing by Tyler, and I’m HERE FOR IT.