Bachelorette Recap Pre-Cap: Meet Hannah’s Boyfriends

First of all, welcome to the new blog! I’ll let you read about the new name in the About section, but I hope you find it easy to navigate and don’t miss the cover photo of me juggling three bottles of wine too much.

Would it even be my blog if I didn’t spend launch day talking about The Bachelorette? (I have no shame.) Like it or not, Hannah Beast is our new Bachelorette, and I for one have high hopes. I mean, I also had high hopes for Arie Luyendyk and Juan Pablo, so my blind positivity isn’t really to be trusted. Still, Hannah Beast may be a bit petty and a whole lot of insecure, but she’s also relatable and has an amazing smile, so I choose to focus on the potential.

Do you know who is probably having a tough time focusing on the positives right now? Caelynn. I actually wish I could drink wine with her and watch the first episode just so I could listen in on all the insider-level digs she’ll take at her TV screen. Full on cannot blame her.

But I’m not Caelynn. I’m Shanny the Granny, and I’m ready to settle into Hannah’s season with an open heart and an open bottle.

Shall we meet Hannah’s boyfriends? We all know she’s looking for a waspy frat-star type right? Preferably wears khakis to bars and knows all the words to Sweet Carolina and Piano Man. Hair should be thick with a visible part, and loves NFL draft day but is too pretty to have actually ever played. He prefers tennis or lacrosse, and long weekends at the lake on his family’s boat. Usually in chubbies because that way people think he’s funny.

Does he exist among this group of suitors? Does he ever. Let’s see what she’s working with (NO SPOILERS PLEASE):

Brian. 30, Math Teacher, loves Flag Day, puns, and karaoke.

Brian is a strong contender. Any guy who tries to be funny in his bio by referencing flag day and karaoke is clearly the same type of guy who wears chubbies to be funny. (See my description of Hannah’s dream man above.) He’s got a gleam in his eye that makes me wonder if he’ll be the villain. Top 6.

Cam. 30, Software Salesman, likes to freestyle rap and watch The Notebook.

Cam is the self-proclaimed “dance floor king”. We’re on guy #2 and I can already tell this house is definitely going to be one big frat party. Perhaps even frattier than JoJo’s season, because her guys were all male models. These guys are actual frat guys. Cam might make it through the first night just because he’s loud and talkative, but I don’t see him sticking around that long.

Chasen. 27, Pilot, became a pilot to pick up chicks, re-gifted a present for his girlfriend to his sister.

I was going to make fun of Chasen’s waspy name, but his bio made me hate him a little less. As a pilot’s daughter, I can say with confidence that pilots are the cockiest people on the planet (with the exception of my dad— he’s just given me fair warning that that stereotype is overwhelmingly true), and Chasen definitely is full of himself. But he also talks about his family a lot in his bio, so his soul might not be made entirely of Natty Light. Top 4.

Connor J. 28, Sales Manager, believes in chivalry, wants to make babies to please his grandma.

Of COURSE there are two Connors in this bunch. I mean, obviously. This Connor probably won’t make it past week 3, but Hannah will keep him around long enough to convince herself that she’s open to someone who doesn’t look like Scott Disick (circa 2010).

Connor S. 24, Investment Analyst, Justin Bieber fan, wants to start a family, enjoys listening to hispanic music “in the clubs.”

Connor S’s hair is exactly what I imagine Hannah will be attracted to. Thick, and pairs well with khakis. Connor S is an actual baby, who still parties until 3 a.m. every Thursday night after work on rooftop bars, but Hannah will like him. Top 6.

Daron. 25, IT Consultant, former collegiate football player, scared of spiders, likes a strong woman.

Hannah will want to really like him because he’s a teddy bear, but she won’t. Top 10 because he’ll make her feel safe.

Devin. 27, Talent Manager, serial monogamist, his best friend is 8 years old.

Even though Devin says in his bio that the best way to find love is to not be a sleaze, he feels a bit sleazy to me. Maybe it’s the scruff, maybe it’s the fact that talent managers are known to be sleazy. I’m betting on him to prove me wrong. Top 12.

Dustin. 30, Real Estate Broker, mama’s boy, big fan of Jenga.

Not to be shallow, but Hannah will hate his nose ring and knit golf shirt. Dustin will have to ‘dust’ himself off when Hannah kicks him to the curb on night one. (See what I did there?)

Dylan. 24, Tech Entrepreneur, has mostly female friends, is philanthropic.

Dylan is a tough one to get a read on. Part of me thinks he’s the ultimate f***boy (can someone please come up with a less profane term that so accurately describes most modern men in their 20s?), but part of me thinks he might be super awkward, thus always put in the friend zone. I don’t know. Total toss up. Top…12?

Garrett. 27, Golf Pro, goes to church, submitted to the show by his sister-in-law.

Garrett! He seems so normal and so sweet! If he was nominated for the show, usually that means he’s not a fame-whore, so he’s already ahead of the game. Doesn’t hurt that he looks just like Dean from Rachel’s season. Hoping for a Top 2 finish for G-man!

Grant. 30, Unemployed, enjoys confronting people, hates Crossfit.

This guys is a disaster. If Hannah is smart, she won’t let producers convince her to keep him around for ratings. Any guy who is openly going into the house looking for a fight probably hates himself. He should try getting a job. It might help.

Hunter. 24, Pro Surfer, lives at home with his parents, good at long distance relationships.

I would normally hold living with his parents against him, but he’s only 24 so he gets a pass. I believe people should be allowed to pursue their dreams and change courses— as long as they have a plan to move out within a year. Hunter seems really nice, and I hope to see him in the Top 6. But I wouldn’t call him marriage material.

Jed. 25, Singer/songwriter, good with his fingers, is close with his little sister.

Singer/songwriters usually turn out to be horrible people in Bachelorette history, but Jed seems different. Am I too optimistic? It’s a gift and a curse. Jed has potential for Top 8.

Joe. 30, The Box King, loves Vegas, went streaking in college, is very Italian.

Joe’s bio says his eyebrows are his most complimented feature, which is funny because I was about to point out how ridiculous they are. Is there any wax left in all of Chicago? Hannah won’t love a man who looks 40 and likes to gamble. She just graduated college yesterday and has a delicate little southern soul. She won’t know what to do with this guy. Gone night one.

Joey. 33, Finance Manager, loves to travel, wants to settle down and have kids and a pool.

Do you think Joey knows how weird his part is? By looking at him, I would think he’s 100% the worst kind of guy to date. But his bio is actually pretty tame and promising. Is he another Top 6? Will Hannah be able to see past his extremely hard and angled hair part? Will I?

John Paul Jones. 24, John Paul Jones (his name is listed as his career), speaks in third person, is looking for the “real deal.”

John Paul Jones didn’t get enough attention growing up. John Paul Jones has nice hair. John Paul Jones is not a real contender, but will probably stay around long enough to piss off the other guys.

Jonathan. 27, Server, favorite part about going out is getting ready, two favorite places are the club and church.

This guy. He wouldn’t know maturity if it hit him on the head. Seems like the kind of dude who doesn’t have a real plan for life, and his life is one big hamster wheel. He might be fun to be around, so could make it to Top 12.

Kevin. 27, Behavioral Health Specialist, loves Harry Potter, helps veterans recover from trauma, loves too hard.

Poor Kevin will be friend zoned so fast. If he makes it past the first night, I’ll be surprised if he makes it to the first international trip of the season.

Luke P. 24, Import/Export Manager, idolizes Tim Tebow, only dates for marriage, says he can get along with anyone.

This dude will either be super great, or a super douche. Let’s say Top 6, just because I think Hannah will perk up when she hear’s he likes Tim Tebow.

Luke S. 29, Political Consultant, tequila expert, follows model influencers on Instagram, prides himself on looking like Nick Viall.

This guy is the exact reason I hated living in the Washington, D.C. area. He likely thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and his bros think it’s so funny that he’s going on The Bachelorette, and sent him off with a boozy party and hearty pats on the back while all wearing matching khaki shorty securely above the knee. Won’t be around long because Hannah won’t like a guy skinnier than she is.

Matt Donald. 26, Medical Device Salesman, is already in love with Hannah, roots for “Alabama football” even though he’s from California.

This guy has a really interesting story, in that his brother and parents are all deaf, so he grew up speaking sign language. I hope he’s a cool dude, because the fact that he has to go by his full name of Matt Donald is a little weird. Top 10?

Matteo. 25, Management Consultant, has a virtual reality startup, sperm donor with 114 kids in the world.

I have no idea how I would react if someone told me they had 114 children. My husband once told me he considered being a sperm donor before he met me, and even the thought of it threw me for a loop. It’s not a bad thing. Some might say it’s a noble thing to help families. But also…a lot to wrap your head around. I think he’ll be around for at least a few international dates until he drops that bomb during his one-on-one. Top 8.

Matthew, 23, Car Bid Spotter, has a 3-year-old sister, grew up on his family’s winery, has never left the country.

Young, inexperienced, but high potential. I like him! Top 4! (I may be biased because any person who grew up on a winery can’t be that bad.)

Mike. 31, Portfolio Manager, Air Force vet, likes going to trampoline parks, scared of skydiving.

Mike is a standard guy. He seems pretty sane, even though anyone who goes to trampoline parks past the age of 16 is definitely going to freak out all the parents in there. Top 10.

Peter. 27, Pilot, still lives at home, takes girls on dates in the sky.

First of all, ABC, why do we care that his grandma’s middle name is Rose? Second, he does not get a pass for still living at home like the other guy on this list who lives at home. He’s 27 and has a real job. Get out of the house. GET YOUR WINGS. For real. He might make it to international dates. Maybe.

Ryan. 25, Roller Boy, high school valedictorian, tight rope walker, hates birds.

Despite the fact that he likes to risk his life on skinny ropes over canyons, Ryan feels a bit forgettable to me. He’ll be middle of the pack.

Scott. 28, Software Salesman, likes daydrinking with his “buds”, admires Kris Jenner.

Gone night one.

Thomas. 27, International Pro Basketball Player, likes dancing to EDM, now has a steady non-athlete job.

He’s very into his mom, and used to be a player when he was a player, if you know what I mean. I’m guessing that he wants some time in the limelight and looks forward to Bachelor in Paradise. Sent home in the first country they visit.

Tyler C. 26, General Contractor, drafted to NFL but got an injury before playing, is an intense dancer.

I think Hannah will like his energy and work-hard nature. Won’t hurt when he tells her he has a rescue dog named Harley. Top 4.

Tyler G. 28, Psychology Grad Student, quiet, like soul cycle, sticks to a Keto diet.

I think Tyler used to be overweight, which is why he is so obsessed with soul cycle and keto. Hannah won’t get fluttery by him— he might be gone night one since he’s so laid back. Nice guy.

Whew! Did it. My Top 4 are Chasen, Garrett, Matthew and Tyler C, with Joey or Luke P potentially sneaking in there. ROLL TIDE!