Bachelorette Recap, Hannah, Ep. 6: The Party is Over

Hi hello old friends! I missed last week…I know. But can I tell you a secret??

I’m literally not telling anyone else until my husband gets home in a month, except close friends and family. You must promise to keep it out of the comments on Facebook okay? This information is for readers of this blog ONLY.

I’m pregnant! Eeeee! Just about in the “safety zone”, and feeling good. Well…not good. Feeling very tired and definitely woozy. The past few weeks have been quite the challenge, especially that time I got sick 8 times in one night. Awesome. And then last week, my 17 month old got Foot Hand and Mouth Disease which sounds GROSS but apparently it’s really common, so I’m trying not to judge us. He takes a bath every night. What’s a mom to do?!

Anyhoo, Aaron and I are thrilled to welcome a little Alaskan baby into the world this winter. So can the whole being pregnant thing + sick toddler issue purty please be good enough excuses for missing a recap? Please? Especially since this season has devolved into the Luke P show, which is definitely even MORE disgusting than Hand Foot and Mouth Disease.

REMEMBER: This is a secret for you guys only. Keep your precious paws from typing anything on social media until we tell the rest of the world, OKKKKK?!

So, this week’s episode picks up with Luke and Hannah’s one-on-one date. It’s not going so well. You see, Hannah really wants Luke to not be a psychopath, but unfortunately he’s a full blown psychopath. It’s a tough pill for her to swallow.

She spent their entire date begging him to show some emotion rather than saying things like “I don’t know why the guys hate me. Everyone in my life has always totally loved me.” BARF. He fails miserably. She cries to producers and begs them to magically swap in Jed’s personality—or even Tyler’s—but keep Luke’s body.

Producers can do a lot of things, but unfortunately Freaky Fridaying contestants is not one of them.

That night over dinner, Hannah gets a faint moment of clarity, and sends Luke the psychopath home. He doesn’t understand. So, does this mean I’m going home tonight? Luke, I’m actually positive that you’ve watched every episode of every season of this show. It’s not confusing. No rosie= no stayie. Hannah asks him to respect her decision.

Respect? Luke pulls out his phone to look up the meaning of the word, just like he did with psychopath two weeks ago.

Luke decides to take a brief walk instead of respecting her wishes to go home. He stomps through the forests of Scotland, Blair Witch style. All we hear are the crackling leaves and see only the faint outline of a scary beast roaming through the trees.

I guess he was just taking a nighttime walk in a circle, because he ended up right back at the place where he and Hannah were just eating dinner. Y’all should’ve known he wasn’t going home the second there wasn’t a black SUV waiting for him. 

When he walks back in, Hannah stands her ground for approximately 4 seconds. The second Luke starts YELLING “I want to move mountains for you!” to prove that he does have emotions (because yelling is the only emotion he can think of), Hannah decides he deserves another chance. Meanwhile the rest of us have the exact opposite reaction.

When Luke walks back into the castle where he’s bunking with the other guys, he goes straight into a speech about how it was a bad one-on-one, but Hannah still wants him to be here. The guys all swallow their throw up, and saunter off to sleep off their utter disdain. 

The next morning, Luke takes a solo trip to a nearby church for some time of praying at the altar. I guess he forgot about the scripture that says when you pray, don’t do it for attention from the public.

That night is the rose ceremony. Hannah rolls up wearing a floor length white coat that was either bought at a thrift store or borrowed from the royals—hard to tell which—over a slinky white dress that shows off her washboard abs. It’s a look that exactly no one can pull off except ancient Victorian ghosts.

Garrett is the first to steal Hannah for some one-on-one. Things are going well until he wraps it up with a question about Luke P. Did he, or did he not, bring up any of the other guys’ names one his one-on-one with you? Hannah was like, yeah sure he said Mike’s name, Dylan, and Devin.

She was then overwhelmingly shocked when this pissed off Garrett and the rest of the guys, since Luke had pinky promised that he didn’t bring up anyone else on his date.

The boys start arguing. Hannah hears them. She storms into the room (it’s kind of her thing) and tells them to STAY IN THEIR LANE. I do not know what this means. I am unaware of the merging protocol for Bachelor Highway, but I feel like this is the equivalent of blaming the other cars for swerving when the one maniac driver tries to cut them off.

Side note: I think everyone should be required to prove interstate merging abilities before reproducing.

Hannah leaves the guys to head upstairs for a glass of solo champagne. I get that. Naturally, the guys keep arguing because what else are they going to do?

Hannah hears them through the castle walls (guess they’re not made of stone afterall), and proceeds to chug her champagne with a full tilt swig, then makes her way back into the lion’s den.

She starts every sentence with “I’m not defending Luke, BUT…”

Eye roll. At this point, why is there even a show? This was my favorite season in a long time, but it’s hard to keep watching when she so clearly wants Luke to be the last man standing…no matter how miserable he makes her.

When Luke tries to pipe in, at least she gives him the zip it signal. I wish my toddler would respond to this tactic. I’m still not convinced Luke is more evolved than a toddler, though.

Hannah tells everyone that they’re ALL at fault for making her feel “psycho”, not just Luke. Yes, sure he kind of lied, but you all shouldn’t care! Also, none of you know me!

I kind of agree with her and I kind of don’t.

The guys all decide to go the humble route, and admit they’ve been petty. Garrett apologizes for getting worked up. Luke—instead of apologizing for lying about talking about the other guys on his date—says to the group that he is glad Garrett apologized.

Smoke comes out of Garrett’s ears but he stays quiet. 

Chris Harrison finds Hannah crying in a corridor and asks her what’s wrong. She sobs into his arms much like his teenage daughter, and says the party is OVER.

No opening speech from Hannah before handing out the roses:

Mike and Jed already have them. The rest go to:

Connor

Tyler

Dustin

Peter

Dylan

Garrett

Luke

Going home: Kevin, Grant, Devin

As soon as she says goodbye to the last batch of guys that none of us will remember if they show up on Paradise, she turns her attention to her remaining men. No toast. No exciting explanation of their upcoming world travels. She looks at them and says “NOW WE TALK.”

All of their underwear got just a little bit looser in that moment.

She tells them that they need to get on the same page as her, and that’s it. Goodnight.

We get a glimpse of the guys in a new country– Latvia (is that next to Genovia?). Just as I’m about to settle into a break from Luke drama, Hannah sits down with Chris Harrison and says she doesn’t know if this can work for her.

Interpretation: I am already convinced that I love Luke, and since he’s clearly insane, I want to go wallow back at home in my parents’ house.

They take their conversation back to Los Angeles. Don’t ask me why or how. The second half of this episode was just a recap interview between CH and Hannah, with Hannah confirming that the format of this show is still valid. My theory was that this was a response to Kelly Rippa—ABC’s darling—criticizing the show, so they wanted the world to see that it’s still worthy of being on TV. It was long and pointless and left me wishing I could drink right now…but #pregnant. I would’ve preferred this instead:

Maybe this Hannah would’ve been the right choice after all.

My favorite part of this entire episode was EASILY the ending, when Hannah explains that she named a giant zit on her face “Marcus” on night one. Then when she kicked out Scott— the guy with the girlfriend—she accidentally referred to him as Marcus to the rest of the guys. Everyone was like “Who’s Marcus??” HAHA it’s her pimple, folks!

Time to start naming my zits. I hope it’s easier than picking baby names.

See you next week!