Bachelorette Recap, Hannah, Ep. 3: Death by Chicken Nugget

If you missed my memo last week, my computer erased the episode 2 recap, and I didn’t have the heart to rewrite it. I’m still healing, to be honest.

At least it’s another glorious morning in the Bachelor Mansion. Luke P is wearing a tight track jacket zipped only halfway up, lest we lose sight of his gold cross necklace. Grant (don’t worry, you’re not supposed to know who he is) is wearing nothing but a white bathrobe. This group of boyfriends is cozying up together quite nicely.

Chris Harrison saunters in to deliver the group date card, and I’m just proud of him for showing up.

Jonathan

Matteo

John Paul Jones

Kevin

Jed

Tyler C

Mike

Cam

Let’s push our love to the limit. –Hannah

The men greet Hannah in a parking lot, where Mike picks her up like she legitimately weighs four pounds. I’ve never seen anything like it. He’s not even that jacked. Adrenaline? He must reallyyyy like her.

Hannah’s uniform of tight jeans and a crop top feel a little exposed for a medical setting, but someday she’ll be glad she flaunted it while she had it. You do you boo boo.

The medical setting I speak of is comedian Jason Biggs delivering the fake baby of his wife Jenny Mollens. If I were a celebrity, I’d definitely want a cameo on The Bachelor/ette. Just saying. 

Jenny is ‘crowning’ just as the group walks in, and the men are immediately the most uncomfortable they’ve ever been. Most of them aren’t even old enough to say the word “period” without giggling, so this is a lot. Hang in there, tikes.

Jason explains that today, they’ll be learning all about pregnancy and birth. He admits that men know that they like making babies (well all but Colton—zing!), but not much about how they actually come into existence.

Tyler C disagrees. He knows all about pregnancy.

“A woman’s stomach just gets bigger and bigger and she gets hungrier and hungrier.”

Honestly, he’s spot on.

Cam thinks a woman’s gestational period is 2 weeks. Maybe he was thinking of her menstrual cycle? But then again I’d kill myself if my period was two weeks long. (I wouldn’t. I’m sorry. That was dramatic.)

I would’ve preferred they had to load a dishwasher or pick up toys while wearing the pregnancy belly/vests, but instead they just walked around slowly. LOL. Yeah right. At least one of the baby dolls vomited on John Paul Jones. That was legit.

Ohhhh the clothes pins on their nipples to simulate breastfeeding was wonderful!!

Let me tell you a fun story of when my husband was watching me try to help our newborn with his latch, and started critiquing my form as I had a tiny crying monster attempting to rip off the most sensitive part of my body. I wish I’d had clothes pins handy in that moment to give my husband the titty twister he deserved. These men are well-prepared to avoid post-natal nipple arguments, at the very least!

Then comes the big kahuna. The LABOR SIMULATOR.

What kind of evil genius made this thing?? A woman scorned, I guarantee.

Each man had to endure labor contractions and I’ve never been so thrilled to see fellow human beings in pain. All of my pent up feminism came out in this very moment, and I practically squealed with joy each time the men winced and flailed and made horribly embarrassing faces.

Maybe I’m a sick sick woman, but that was satisfying AF.

For the record, Jed was the only man there who was half as strong as a woman. And—to no one’s surprise—John Paul Jones has the pain tolerance of…well…a man.

Hannah takes the men to a tall building called Vertigo for cocktails to recover (wait, why do they get cocktails?? What about mesh panties and laxatives??), and frankly I would never want to be on the top of a building with vertigo, but I guess I’m being nitpicky.

Jed grabs Hannah and two chicken nuggets for their alone time, where they makeout with the chicken nugs securely in his suit pocket. Dream man or red flag? Your call.

He then pulls them out as though they’re pennies for the Trevi Fountain and tells Hannah to make a wish before chucking them over the side of Vertigo. All I can think about is how a penny can kill someone from the top of the Empire State Building, so did they just commit murder with a chicken nugget?

Mike opens up to Hannah, telling her he and his ex-girlfriend lost their baby in the second trimester a few years ago, so today’s date was a bit hard for him. It was a sweet moment until Cam interrupted. He’s not even a good villain. He’s just annoying, even more so because he’s wearing a hoodie beneath a blazer.

Hannah tells him to go away three different times, but he comes back every 15 seconds. He thinks Hannah will like his boldness. She does not.

Jonathan then interrupts Cam, who then calls him an insecure Chihuahua. Anyone who knows anything knows that Chihuahuas are the least insecure dogs in the world, but okay cool insult Cam.

After Jonathan finishes talking to Hannah, Cam comes and sits down next to him on the couch, death-staring him in the weirdest moment ever. He just looks at Jonathan, who looks straight ahead, for a solid minute. John Paul Jones munches on chicken nuggets like popcorn as he waits to see what happens. (Nothing does.)

Group date rose: Mike

One-on-one date goes to Connor S

Let’s set sail on our love story. – Hannah

 Instead of wearing her bikini on a sailboat, though, Hannah is in the ER getting an IV and nausea medicine. Connor gets a note telling him that she doesn’t feel good, so instead of sailing, come on over to my bedroom.

The boys hoot and holler. Who cares if she’s sick? Our boy Connor gets to see her in bed!

Frat. Stars. 

Despite the fact that she was throwing up all night, Hannah and Connor spend their afternoon making out under the covers and sharing stories about familial illnesses. Connor does an upstanding job convincing Hannah that he’s just as happy laying around a hotel room with her as he would be going on an epic date, but we all know he’s lying. He’d even cuffed his jeans three times at the bottom for that relaxed sailing look.

Hannah eventually tells him she needs to get back to bed, so Connor can show himself out. He pulls out his secret stash of Post-it notes to decorate the room with things he loves about Hannah, so she can find them all later. He goes to great lengths to find creative spots to hide them, but we aren’t privy to know how many ended up in her panty drawer.

When he gets home, Luke P’s question was “What was she wearing?”

Ew Luke.

As they’re lounging around eating pizza, the limo driver abruptly walks in. Where the heck is Chris Harrison?! You have ONE JOB, Chris. Wait, the limo driver gets to SPEAK on camera? Omg, his family must be so excited to watch this episode!

He tells Connor that he’s here to pick him up, because Hannah wants to see him again.

No, she’s not well enough for dinner, but she did shower and put on her sponsored outfit she’d promised to wear one night, and gives Connor his rose. She then takes him to a room where a very talented singer sings a love song I’ve heard on the radio once or twice, and they slow dance because the singer’s agent would’ve sued if they’d skipped it.

Luckily, Hannah is feeling much better for the group date. Did I miss the card? I was busy telling my dog I’d turn her into puppy soup if she kept barking.

It’s a photo shoot inspired by The Secret Life of Pets 2! Each guy is assigned a different animal to be their co-model. At first, they thought they were going to be assigned real, female models, and all but Luke P were relieved when they found out it was just animals. 

I was v jealous of the guy who got to hang out with the fuzzy llama. And the one with the miniature pig. Luke was v jealous of Peter the Pilot, who got to kiss Hannah during his photo shoot. I thought his eyes were going to bug out of his head as he watched it go down. He tried to compensate by insisting Hannah stand on his back while he did push ups for the camera. It was painful. It got worse when he asked Hannah if he could walk her to her dressing room, and she was blatantly like ‘no stop being weird.’ You can see him unraveling. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife.

Should I mention that Hannah’s bff Demi showed up again to spy on the guys? They all passed. It was pointless. But glad to see Demi is alive and well, and ready for Paradise.

That night, Hannah provided a teaching moment for my father, as I explained that she’s wearing a ROMPER not a dress. He was very concerned at the length, but then nodded at the engineering wonder of making shorts into a dress so that it can’t ride up. Very good, Dad, yes! (We’re living with my parents before our move to Alaska since our house sold, in case you were wondering.)

Hannah starts the evening off by pulling aside Luke P to tell him that she’s beginning to find him arrogant and obnoxious. It does not compute. He tells the camera that he doesn’t believe she sees him that way. Even though she just told him she sees him that way. 

I feel like Luke P is vocalizing everything women fear that men actually think, but have convinced ourselves “there’s no way they’re that dense or full of it.” Way.

Luke thinks that interrupting all the other guys during their talks with Hannah is the best way for him to convince her he’s not arrogant or obnoxious.

When she continually turns him down, he leans against a wall and cracks his knuckles. Can someone please pat him down because I’m getting seriously concerned for the safety of Hannah’s other boyfriends.

Chewing gum frantically, Luke tells the other guys he’s thinking of leaving. Of course he doesn’t.

Group date rose goes to Peter the Pilot, because he executed an impressive straddle lift makeout against a brick wall.

Before the cocktail party which surprise! is a tailgate party instead (with no football game), Tyler C says he can’t wait to see Hannah’s dimples, and I definitely thought he said nipples. Still not convinced he didn’t.

Before Hannah shows up, evil Cam tells everyone that he has something EXTREMELY serious to tell her about his life. So serious that she might send him home because she might not be able to handle it.

There is zero concern in the room. Only pure annoyance.

Hannah tells the cameras she’s looking forward to an easy day with no tragic conversations. Save your serious conversations for another time, boys. It’s not like we’re trying to find out if we’re compatible for life or anything!

Things start out well with Tyler C: 

Then Cam decides to drop the hammer. He tell Hannah his serious news. I can hardly type it out because it’s so traumatic. How can anyone handle it?? Alright I’ll say it: One time when he was a teenager, he got a leg infection PLUS his grandma died PLUS his new puppy didn’t get the attention it deserved.

Guys. I’m not kidding. This was it. Hannah was like “Okay, cool.” 

Mike tells Hannah that Cam announced to the group he’d be having that conversation with her, and was doing it to get a pity rose. Hannah goes back to Cam, who vehemently denies wanting a pity rose. His story was “too serious” to be about a pity rose!!

Too bad, Cam. Hannah doesn’t believe you, and it’s time for the rose ceremony. The guys change into their suits (we get the distinct pleasure of literally watching them change), and Hannah shows up in a blood red dress with matching lips, and a black witch necklace. She actually looks kind of amazing, albeit quite scary. Like the red witch from GOT.

Tyler G had to go home for personal reasons. Mike, Connor, and Peter already have roses. The rest go to:

Jed

Tyler

Dustin

Dylan

Grant

Luke P

Garrett

JPJ

Matteo

Devin

Luke S

Kevin

Going home: Cam, Jonathan, and a guy I’ve never seen before

Naturally, Cam talks in the third person during his exit interview. I care less about that, and more about the fact that these guys seem to be staying in LA yet another week. Don’t they usually start traveling by now? Why does it feel like we’re already on Episode 10? Is Luke P going to win this whole thing? Will Hannah move out of her parents’ house when it’s over? I’m jumping way ahead. Hang in there, we’ve got a long road ahead of us.