Bachelorette Recap, Clare, Ep. 1: I Just Met My Husband

OMG Hi everyone! I’ve missed you!! Have you missed me?? 

I took a season off of recapping because Hannah’s season scarred me, but also because I had a baby. It’s like my newborn child knew I needed to be saved from the dumpster fire that was Pilot Pete’s “journey”. Why were all the contestants 12 years old? Why did Peter turn into a man-boy? You guys…Barb. BARB. I’m having flashbacks. I’m sweating.

I don’t think Clare will make me sweat less, but I must say I’m ready for this change in scenery. No more influencers. No more sex talks with parents. No more Luke P. and Madison storylines about virginal manipulation…Clare is 39. Her men graduated from college a decade or two ago. No virgins around these parts. Let’s switch it up!

Wait. Speaking of virgins. Can you believe that Cassie filed a RESTRAINING ORDER against Colton? 

I can. 

But back to Clare.

I almost spit out my wine when the promo included Chris Harrison saying to her, “Congratulations, you just blew up The Bachelorette.”

Dangggg Chris Harrison making it PERSONAL this season! Guess he wasn’t a fan of quarantining on behalf of a bachelorette who was going to quit a few episodes in.

This isn’t a spoiler, btw. The episode kicks off HOT by directly divulging this not-so-shocking information that splattered across Instagram a few months ago. We all know Clare leaves. When, exactly? TBD. But the promo gives us a serious look at how her love story ends so, uh, congrats Clare and Dale?

This is weird. What am I even watching.

Chris asks the camera, “You may be wondering–how are we going to make a romantic dating show in times like these?”

LOL Chris this isn’t a romantic dating show. That whole premise crumbled about six seasons ago. This is a show about lonely drunk people traveling the world.

Or enjoying an extended vacation at La Quinta in Palm Springs, I guess.

The first 20 minutes was a lot of Covid content. They did a whole lot of work proving that they took social distancing seriously only to kick off official filming with Clare chatting up a large gaggle of unmasked Bachelorette fans on the beach. So it’s true that sunshine kills the Rona?

Ah, La La Land.

We get a brief synopsis of Clare’s extensive participation in Bachelor spin offs. She laments never having a happy ending on any past Bachelor show, somehow conveniently ignoring altogether that one time SHE GOT ENGAGED AT THE END OF BACHELOR WINTER GAMES. Are we..am I..why do I feel like they’re gaslighting me? 

I’m going to let it go, but that was some serious historical editing.

Finally, we set the stage at La Quinta resort. We see some natural wildlife in the form of bunnies and non-exotic birds. (Give the editors a break. They did not have much to work with.) 

All the men showed up wearing production-issued white masks that look like those N95 masks people were judged super hard for wearing back in April when hospital supplies were low. How quickly times change. I am surprised they did not force them to wear masks with little roses on them or something. Etsy owners across America are offended.

After a few men proved there’s a reason God had to create an entirely different gender to endure childbirth because His first creation can’t even handle a simple nose swab, all 31 men were cleared to meet Clare. No Covid up in here! Celebrations were had! Walks through the resort courtyard were taken! One at a time, because this is The Bachelorette and there are rules. No men shall meeteth another contestant until night oneth. 

Night one is here. Clare’s lip gloss is poppin’. I want to wipe the corners of her mouth. But she looks beautiful and her mirrorball dress will deflect any drama. She’s ready.

Chris Harrison purposefully makes Clare cry by bringing up her deceased father and her mother with dementia. Real cool, Chris. She doesn’t even have a makeup team to touch her up. Once he gets her good and emotional, he announces it’s time to meet her men. 

The men clamor into limos, chugging their glasses of champagne on the .01 mile drive to the building next door at the resort where Clare awaits them.

Listen. I’m not going to bore you with a recap of each guy’s entrance. Rolls Royce, straight jacket, bubble ball, pregnant guy. There. 

All you need to know is that when Dale arrives, Clare starts shaking uncontrollably and crying. She tells the air that she just met her husband. Dale is tall and has beautiful mocha skin and crinkly eyes when he smiles, but Clare claims she doesn’t know anything except that she blacked out when they met. Chris Harrison walks out and reminds her she still has a lot of men to meet. Get it together. She agrees to meet them because it’ll get her inside faster to see Dale. 

Raise your hand if you think Clare and Dale talked before coming on this show? Good, yes, we’re all on the same page.

If you must know something that happened other than Clare fawning over Dale, one guy called Chris Harrison “Chris HARRYson”. Straight-faced and unintentionally incorrect. I snorted.

NFL player, Eazy, noted that the cocktail party was more of a potluck because men kept showing up with snacks for Clare, like popcorn and moonpies. Frankly, I’m impressed at the insight these men displayed about the cravings of every woman in her 30s.

Meanwhile, a guy named Tyler C (who is a far cry from the last Tyler C this franchise gifted us) is nicknamed “Mini McConaughey” because he’s short and has a southern accent. I find this label very clever. Mini McConaughey gets in a tiff with the token dad of the group, Yosef, because he knows that Yosef was hitting on girls in their DMs before the show. 

Mini-Mc and Yosef bring their drama before Clare, whose dress does its job of deflecting nicely. She seems unfazed by Yosef hitting on girls on Instagram because she’s going to marry Dale anyway. Have your fun, Yosef. She promptly and unemotionally tells them to chat between themselves to figure out their own issues, then happily trots off, leaving Mini-Mc and Yosef sitting like little boys in time out. 

I’m kind of in love with the guy with black lapels and the blue jacket…one of the Zacs, I believe. But this is about Clare, and she gives the first impression to…

Do I even need to say it?

During their rose moment, she literally holds her hands out trying to grab Dale’s face like he’s an elusive shape shifter until he finally realizes what she’s doing and leans in for the kiss. He gives a little “woo” after they pull apart. 

Huh.

The next morning– not even dawn…it looks like brunch time– the rose ceremony begins. I’m a bit startled because we didn’t witness a drunk guy jump in the pool, so can it really be time for roses already?? Ugh what a weird season. 

Framed by a wide assortment of woven baskets hanging on a wall (I miss the mansion), Clare gives roses to: 

Blake Moynes 

Eazy

Ben

Riley

Zac J 

Tyler S

Joe 

Jason 

Demar

Chasen

Jordan C

Blake Monar 

Kenny 

Brendan

Garen

Ed

Bennett 

Zac C

Jay 

Brandon

Ivan

Yosef 

The rest of the men say their goodbyes.

Mini McConaughey is a goner. No one cares.

COMING UP ON THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELOR:

Clare in bed with Dale.

Clare yelling that the reason she’s still single at 39 is because she “didn’t settle for men like that”. (Oh my!)

Chris Harrison admonishing Clare, telling her that “this won’t end well for anyone involved.”

Clare leaving.

A new limo pulls up and out steps…

It’s a mystery!!

But if you have an Instagram account, then you KNOW. For those of you who don’t accidentally have your fun ruined by Instagram, I won’t tell you. Enjoy your life. I wish I could, but E! News won’t let me. 

I’m always relieved when night one is over. Let the real madness begin! See you next week!