Bachelor Recap, Matt, Ep. 1: Toto, We’re Not At La Quinta Anymore

I am unenthused when the opening scene of this season involves a vibrator, but let’s move on.

Oh, and hi, welcome back! Long time no see! JK saw you here basically yesterday because the Bachelor franchise is confident that we are brainwashed enough to watch two seasons back to back, and they are correct.

Chris Harrison kicks things off with an opening speech as he slowly descends a red carpet that trails approximately 100 yards, the entire pathway lined with expensive bushes adorned with literal chandeliers hanging from their branches until it ends at the base of a sprawling white resort that makes The White House look like a cute little Airb&B.

I’m begging Chris Harrison to compare it to the La Quinta digs from last season. BEGGING.

Alas, he simply introduces Matt James, our new Bachelor. You see, Matt has never been on any TV show before. Chris claims that they simply had to have him after Tyler Cameron (his BFF) introduced him to producers at some industry party. (Okay I added that last part.)

Listen, I don’t care how or why this man became the Bachelor, I’m just glad he did. We haven’t seen abs like this since Sean Lowe or philanthropic roots like this since, well, ever. His introduction package is 50% footage of working out shirtless and 50% of him working with inner city kids. GIVE ME MATT JAMES ALL DAY!

Matt arrives at the Nemacolin Resort in Pennsylvania by way of an open top airplane…a convertible of the skies, if you will…donning a mustard turtleneck and the confidence of a man who wears a mustard turtleneck. At first I thought he was flying the little plane and got sweaty palms because Peter ruined pilots for me, but turns out this passenger seat was just in front. Very cool! Is this excursion a featured option for guests of Nemacolin? I’m already planning my 2022 anniversary trip. 

Mark my words: Nemacolin is the new influencer hotspot of 2021.

Matt arrives at his private estate on the resort property and let’s just say it’s a FAR CRY from El Presidente suite at La Quinta. It’s basically as though Bill Gates hired Joanna Gaines to design his modern home in the woods. I think I’d have to promise my firstborn to Rumpelstiltskin to afford staying there for even a single night.

Into the estate (I will not be calling it a house) walks the coolest looking grey-haired lady I’ve ever seen. I think leather boots are built *in* to her leather leggings, and her vibe makes me question much of my own identity. This is Matt James’ mother. She raised him all on her own and is going to be the raddest mother-in-law on the planet.

Matt bids farewell to his mom after a heart-to-heart and hops on the Peloton in his private gym…I can’t EVEN with the lux. Do we think Clare and Tayshia are okay?

Before the first night begins, we get a few background packages about some of the contestants. A professional ballerina from NYC, an attorney from New Jersey with a wild side, a pharmacist from Ethiopia, and a blonde who loves caffeine. A well-rounded group, indeed.

Matt shows up for the big night in a velvet black suit jacket with satin lapels, a black bowtie, and the kind of class that would make Bennett swoon. Chris Harrison comments on how tall he is as though they’ve never met, which is the 150th time in Bachelor history that Chris could’ve won an Emmy for acting instead of hosting.

Matt asks Chris if they can go have a chat before the women arrive since he’s new at this and has some questions, so Chris leads him down the red carpet football field, through the the marble lobby, and into a private room that looks a little like a private men’s club room like the one in Bridgerton. Matt talks about his fears about being the first Black bachelor, knowing that he could piss off Black people and white people alike depending on the skin color of the girl he ends up picking. The pressure he feels is enormous, and I’m glad they’re showing how much Matt is shouldering (unfairly, might I add). Chris promises him he’ll meet the love of his life and also they only have so much nighttime sky so they need to get this show on the road if they’re going to have the rose ceremony by morning.

Stop stalling, Matt!

The first two women out of the first limo are both in satin green dresses, and both are immediate frontrunners in my mind. Bri and Rachael. Keep an eye out for those ones.

All the introductions are pretty normal for awhile. Gorgeous girls, nervous laughter, awkward hellos. Then we see a girl wearing nothing but some black lingerie and heels strutting up the driveway while rolling a clothing rack with two dresses hanging on it. She asks Matt which one she should wear (he chooses the red strapless) and proceeds to confidently head inside to get dressed. Matt’s jaw is on the floor and he does not hate this experience.

I’m sure I’ll be proven wrong, but this group of girls seems pretty chill. None of them call Kaili any derogatory names for wearing lingerie for her entrance. Most seem pretty impressed by her confidence. Props for the support, ladies!

We get a pizza car entrance and a pick up truck entrance (he’s from North Carolina and so is she) and a Bentley entrance. 

And then. The dildo entrance. A young lady named Katie hides the, ahem, large apparatus behind her back as she tells Matt that she brought him something that got her though the difficult times of quarantine in the last year. With an ernest look on her face, she suddenly whips out the vibrator and tells him she hopes to pass the torch onto him. Then she takes it back and says she’ll actually need it until fantasy suites.

This is why I don’t watch this show with my father.

The only other notable entrance is that of Queen Victoria, a rather plain looking contestant in comparison to her personality that is…not plain. Don’t let her uninspired brown hair and lack of contouring fool you. Queen Victoria is here to cause a stir. She greets Matt on a throne carried on the shoulders of four unidentified men. And she greets the girls by walking in and loudly saying, “The Queen has arrived, b***ches!”

Oh, the other girls will just love her.

All 32 (holy crap) women have arrived, so Katie kicks things off by clanging the vibrator against her glass and making a formal toast. Oh wow.

In stark contrast, accompanied by the passing thought that I might go to hell for watching this, Matt walks in to greet all of the women and kicks things off by asking the women to bow their heads as he led a heartfelt prayer. He’s clearly a very spiritual guy and all the women in the room who don’t believe in God suddenly realize they don’t have a shot…in hell. After praying, he gives a glorious speech about love and race and excitement…and he briefly gets completely thrown off his game when he notices the vibrator sitting on the coffee table, but after some laughter, he recovers and wraps up the best speech given by a Bachelor ever in the history of the show. Hannah Brown is at home taking notes in between texting Tyler C.

My observation from the one-on-ones is that Matt is one of the few leads who has ever been more concerned about being right for the women than he is excited to find out who is right for him. He’s very concerned about being everything they’ve hyped him up to be in their heads–not in an insecure way, but in a “I need to be responsible with my power” kind of way. He also seemed to be really good at listening and asking questions and genuinely getting to know them. For instance, he asked the contestant from Puerto Rico how her family has been doing with all of the natural disasters PR has faced in recent years, and you can tell she’s caught off guard by him asking–in a good way. Like, he’s very well aware of the world, and he keeps it very real. Matt! Matt! Matt!

The only woman he kisses is a gorgeous brunette named Abigail who was born completely deaf, but has cochlear implants so is able to hear and speak proficiently. Their kiss feels extremely natural, simply based on an easy chemistry. I don’t think it’s lost on anyone that we saw a Black bachelor giving the first rose to a woman with a disability…2021 is off to a good start. 

Surprisingly, the only drama between women during the night is extremely subdued. Former Miss Maryland USA, Mari, is annoyed that Katie tapped her on the shoulder with the dildo when asking to interrupt for time with Matt. She wasn’t mad she was interrupted. She was mad she was interrupted by a dildo. WHAT AM I EVEN TYPING.

Roses go to:

Bri (stand out)

Rachael (stand out)

Chelsea (stand out)

Sarah

MJ

Serena P.

Khaylah

Kristin

Kit

Magi

Piper

Mari (stand out)

Eliana

Jessenia

Kylie

Marylynn

Serena C.

Lauren

Sydney

Elena

Katie (stand out)

Anna

Queen Victoria

I’m kind of shocked he sent home the professional ballerina from NYC. 

Teasers for the rest of the season look like a *real* season–helicopter rides and race cars and horseback riding and tears and accusations. 

I sure hope none of you are doing Dry January like I am because all of this deserves some wine. See you next week when the real fun begins!