Bachelor Recap, Nick, Ep. 5: The Swamp Monster

My girl Becca from high school chorus class (#falconjazz) is the reason this week’s recap exists. Had it not been for her Venmo contribution to my caffeine fund, I am 99% sure you would not be reading this. My husband and I are godparenting another little puppy for a week, who thinks sleep is for squares, so we get to wake up with her every 2-3 hours throughout the night. Becca, your donation to my mental wellbeing while I piece together this fiasco of an episode on little to no sleep is beyond appreciated. Your generosity was way more than a single Starbucks drink, so I even splurged on a breakfast sandwich. Thanks for helping me live my best life.If you, too, want to help keep me sane and awake while recapping, feel free to find me on Venmo and hook a sister up with wine/Starbies money. This announcement is becoming a weekly tradition, but let’s just chalk it up to my “emotional intelligence” in being honest about my needs, mmmmk?Oh, here are the puppies so that you know I’m not actually lying:If you had an adorable one-eyed puppy doing this throughout night to get your attention in her crate-bag, you’d need Venmo money to survive, too.Remember how last week’s episode ended with Taylor and Corinne duking it out during the cocktail party? Yeah, well there’s a lot more of that in the first five minutes of this week’s episode. While Taylor slaps on her concerned mental health counselor face that she’s clearly practiced in the mirror, she listens to Corinne try and figure out the meaning of emotional intelligence.Taylor, 23: “You’re not mature enough to marry Nick.”Corinne, 24: “I thought you said I wasn’t emotionally intelligent enough to marry Nick. Maturity is different.”Me: So she agrees she’s not mature, but is pissed that someone would say she’s emotionally unintelligent?My husband who just got home from deployment: So Taylor is the villain this season? The blonde seems cute.Basically no one had any idea what was going on.Corinne tells Nick that the girls in the house don’t like Taylor, and he believes her because her boobs are bigger than Taylor’s so she must be the one telling the truth. He thanks her for being mature enough to give him the inside scoop, which is followed up by her very mature celebratory confessional because Nick believed her story.Inside the tricked out barn with one or two space heaters strewn about, Rachel tells Sarah to stay out of the drama, because Sarah sometimes likes to join Taylor on the Corinne attack. I feel like Rachel should also tell Sarah to put on a coat because I can see her breath, yet she’s wearing a sleeveless dress, but maybe I’m the only one who cares about her general health. Anyway, Sarah will have an extremely easy time staying warm and out of the drama because here’s how the rose ceremony plays out:Raven, Kristina, and Danielle L already have roses. The rest go to:WhitneyDanielle MJasmineRachelJaimiJosephineVanessaAlexisCorinneTaylorWe say goodbye to Sarah and Astrid. Sarah sobs, which sucks because she already had a runny nose from the cold before she even started crying. Not even sure what happened to Astrid. I could’ve missed her parting words, though, because I was busy trying to figure out if Nick’s wine-colored suit was actually made of velvet.Nick is “jazzed” to announce to the remaining women that they’ll be heading somewhere hot and spicy for this next week of the journey! Visions of sombreros and guacamole dance in their eyes, but Nick throws a curve ball by announcing their destination as New Orleans. Okay, not international, but it’ll do!Corinne swigs her champagne glass to prepare for another travel day without Raquel’s assistance, and my husband remarks, “Is that a huge champagne glass? Or is she just really tiny?” Both, honey.Once in New Orleans, Nick walks around by himself for a bit, pausing to watch a child breakdance in the middle of the street. It would be less creepy if other people were also watching, but this was a one man audience, so I feel like this child should’ve had better training on stranger danger.The girls show up in New Orleans, revealing this year’s warm weather trend: onesies tucked into jorts. I am 99% sure everyone would ask me why I’m wearing a bathing suit around town if I tried this look, but more power to these girls for finding a new, creative way to show off their perfectly flat stomachs. They dance in the streets and try on marti gras masks, and Alexis makes a prediction about how this week will turn out as tensions between Corinne and Taylor escalate:Raven the alien is really excited to be in a town known for ghosts and voodoo, pointing out that one of the girls will probably buy a voodoo doll at some point. Said with a gleam in her eye. Her alien tendencies are revealing themselves more and more frequently. RUN ALEXIS RUN.Corinne is tired of producers asking how she feels about Taylor, so now all she says is, “Ew, gross,” whenever Taylor is mentioned.Chris Harrison greets the girls after they settle into their penthouse, donning a golden glitter blazer an intern found at the thrift store around the block. Gotta get in that New Orleans spirit. He announces that the two-on-one date will be this week, so drink up, ladies.One-on-one date:Rachel”Where have you beignet all my life? –Nick.“Producers definitely read my blog and hired a new date card writer this season. It’s paying off.Nick has a closet full of short sleeve button downs with sleeves sewn 3 sizes smaller than the rest of the shirt, so he selects a purple one for the date, then heads off to greet Rachel on the streets. Anyone else notice that he has not yet picked a girl up for her date? Manners, Nicholas!Rachel wears her favorite white onesie and yellow daisy dukes because she can. Nick challenges her to eat the hottest hot sauce this street market offers, and she takes it like a champ. As they kiss, I’m waiting for another Carly/Evan Bachelor in Paradise hot pepper moment, but we are spared.Sorry I don’t have the same respect to spare all of you. EW that .gif is so gross but let this be a lesson for all to think twice about kissing someone after eating a hot pepper. Not sure it was worth the risk for Rachel and Nick, but I’m happy things turned out okay.Nick then eats his first ever beignet, and his reaction is exactly how I feel every time I eat Velveeta Shells & Cheese after depriving myself for a few months. All that sugar gives them an energy boost, so they find a local brass band to play music for them as they dance down the streets holding parasols, as you do.Nick does his best to keep up with Rachel’s hips, displaying the struggle of every white boy in America.After dancing and listening to a singer called Lolo in a dive bar, not to be confused with my grandmother, Lala, Nick and Rachel throw on some evening clothes to have a romantic dinner in a clown house. Glow in the dark neon gorillas, lions, and alligators also join the clown party. Rachel calls it her fairytale. Some may call it their nightmare. Different strokes for different folks.For the first time in Bachelor history, a girl drinks beer with dinner instead of wine or champagne. Reason #793 Rachel will be the next Bachelorette. She doesn’t play by the rules, and producers like a rebel.Rachel tells Nick she’s already been to New Orleans three times this year, but it’s one of her favorite places so she forgives him for choosing such unexciting destinations. Her last visit was actually for a funeral, when she made the distinct promise to herself to live every moment to its fullest. Now being back a few months later under such crazy and exciting circumstances, she feels like she’s fulfilling that promise she made to herself last time she was here. It’s very poignant. Nick goes starry eyed because deep down, he remembers that he’s 36 and needs a woman like Rachel in his life. (But he needs Vanessa more, so I still stand by my predictions.)Just as Nick is imagining life with his perfect chocolate princess, she warns him that her dad is a federal judge and might scare the living bejeezus out of him. Thank god she’ll make it to hometowns so we can watch that go down.Their chemistry is real, as seen by the fact that producers didn’t feel the need to cut up the date with random clips of Corinne saying ridiculous things back at the house. Nick, too, acknowledges that he doesn’t think of anything else when he’s with Rachel, so he gives her the rose, makes out with her in his signature choke hold, and calls it a night.Group date:JosephineKristinaAlexisRavenJaimiVanessaDanielle mWhitneyJasmineDanielle  L”Til death do us part. — Nick“This means Taylor and Corinne get the 2 on 1 date. SHOCKING.Raven the alien, smiling: “I think they will fight to the death.” Someone needs to reprogram her to reel in the violent comments. And just as I think that, they cut to the group date, where Raven says, “Nick is looking fine as a dime.” Truly, the only explanation for these inconsistencies in the popular expressions she chooses to use is alien programming error.Danielle L lost her hair extensions somewhere between Milwaukee and New Orleans, so I barely recognize her. Luckily this date mostly takes place in a dark haunted mansion, so maybe Nick won’t notice that half of her hair fell out overnight.For a date held in a ridiculous haunted mansion, it’s painfully boring. I’m not even going to get into it. Literally the only interesting thing that happens is that we hear Whitney’s speaking voice for the first time. Oh, and Danielle M actually yells at Jasmine in a joking way, which is interesting to know that the glass shards in her throat aren’t as much a hindrance as I thought.They play with a ouija board, Raven lets it slip to Nick that she’s maybe in love with him but who’s to say if she actually meant it, and he gives the group date rose to Danielle M because he can’t keep favoring Vanessa, Raven, and Danielle L. We all know they’re in his Top 4 along with Rachel. No need to keep harping on it. He agrees with spreading the love, so Danielle M is the next best option.Back at the house, Rachel is tasked with babysitting Corinne and Taylor until the other girls get home. Nearly a decade their senior, Rachel does her best to be a buffer, but mostly stays away from them until she’s required to read them their 2 on 1 date card:Corinne and Taylor”Meet me in the Bayou. — Nick“Despite Corinne’s villain status, she and I continue to have much more in common than originally expected. She prepares for the date by ordering an insane amount of room service food and taking a bubble bath. Taylor prepares by smelling oils in front of a mirror. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out which girl will be able to hold it together better on the date.Food, champagne, and baths are ALWAYS the answer, which Corinne clearly understands because of her high level of intelligency. Hungry girls always lose their cool way faster than a woman who is well-fed. Taylor really needs to learn this truth.On the way to their date, Corinne is fat and happy, ready to take on the day. “Make America Corinne again!” she exclaims. This is only slightly different than after her one setback with Nick a few weeks ago, when she needed to “Make Corinne great again.” Who knew the many different ways that slogan could come into play?This date is going to be yuuuuuuuge!Taylor and Corinne meet Nick in a swamp, where a swamp man hurls himself onto the back of their speedboat in an extremely murderous jungle man fashion. Turns out he’s just their tour guide.They pass lots of alligators on their way to a special area of swamp jungle where they have to de-board the boat and wander into the great unknown. Corinne steps on the spine of an animal that a producer bought in a local gift shop and placed on the path. What monsters are living out here and depositing the bones of their prey in plain sight??? They cling to Nick for comfort.Oddly enough, the trio stumbles upon African tribal dancers in the thicket. These tribal women specialize in voodoo– would you like to try? But first, a tarot card reading with memorized predictions that match exactly what’s already happening on the date. Amazing how that works out.Corinne gets private time with Nick first, so she decides to tell him that Taylor is a big mean swamp monster. Once again, he praises her maturity.Taylor, in her favorite cami from Forever 21 (that’s her favorite designer, remember?? It’s what all the truly mature girls are wearing these days), gets confronted by Nick during her one-on-one time. He wants to know if she really called Corinne stupid. She obviously didn’t. She called her emotionally unintelligent. Get it right.Meanwhile, Corinne asks the African tribal dancers how to make a voodoo doll of a specific person. They hand her a popsicle stick covered in yarn and googly eyes, because don’t worry, we got you covered. This is a Taylor doll. Corinne takes a push pin and slowly sinks it into the heart.Corinne and Taylor fight about each other’s careers for a bit while Nick is off asking producers which girl he’s supposed to send home.Corinne: “I honestly just can’t believe you’re a mental health counselor. You’re such a mean person!”Taylor: “Well, I have a hard time you run a multi-million dollar company.”Honestly, both girls have every reason to be skeptical, so I feel like this argument is pretty moot.Nick returns, gives the rose to Corinne, and tells Taylor goodbye right then and there. No privacy for her rejection like most two on ones. Nope, Nick does the dirty work right in front of Corinne before instructing Taylor to stand up and leave. Taylor looks dumbfounded, hugs him, then wanders a bit to the left.Corinne, hugging her rose and voodoo doll, makes out with Nick on the speed boat as they head back to dry land, leaving Taylor to fend for herself in the swamplands. Taylor eventually finds the tribal women, who pour water, oil, and flour all over her because her humiliation was not yet satisfactory.Taylor should consider herself lucky, because she was not left in the swamp to die like Olivia was left on the hurricane island. Instead, she was eventually reintroduced to society, where she went on a hunt for Corinne and Nick, Chad style.Nick was wearing his grandmother’s boat neck purple sweater, and Corinne was yet again wearing a dress one size too small. Just as they were cheersing to no more swamp monsters in the house, Taylor walks in to interrupt their dinner date.DUN DUN DUN….TO BE CONTINUEDNext week, Taylor tells Nick she needs to “speak her truth” to him about Corinne. I am telling you right now, Corinne does not go home, despite whatever Taylor says to him. On the contrary, I think Nick has sex with Corinne, which is why all the girls are mad and crying. Nick is crying, too, because he had never been exposed to a platinum vagine before, and it kind of hurt.Next Monday will be a good one, I can feel it.