Bachelorette Recap, Ep. 9, JoJo: The Curse of Those Three Words

We pick up where we left off, which is ultimately just a lot of time for JoJo’s stylist to shine. He somehow found a skin tight gown that let her crouch and squat with seemingly no issues. Round of applause!Last week, the episode ended with JoJo freaking out because Luke just told her he loves her– right before she was going to send him home.I can’t even begin to explain how stupid it is for JoJo to send Luke home, but these recaps aren’t about my opinions, so I’ll let you form your own. (If you disagree that it’s stupid, you’re wrong.)JoJo sobs for a few more minutes before composing herself, getting a quick makeup touch up, and walking back into the hangar where her remaining 4 men await. Roses go to:JordanRobby (WTF)ChaseWe say goodbye to Luke, after all.JoJo has a thing with saying goodbye to someone who says “I love you.” Remember poor Lord Farquaad Alex? Unless you’re Jordan Rodgers, JoJo will kick you out the second you utter the word “love.” The only exception is Robby, but I think she’s always too drunk to care when Robby says it. Somehow, those two have never spent a sober moment together. Is he roofieing her?**This is not an accusation, and I hereby disallow anyone to sue me for slander.You’ll see another victim of JoJo’s aversion to the word “love” later in this episode.Luke’s forehead wrinkles get even deeper as JoJo walks him to the rejection limo, which I didn’t even know was possible.He looks to be in shock, which is a great reaction for a future Bachelor. Anger or too many tears aren’t cute. General shock and dismay are totally fine, and make for lots of good material the following season when he says “I’m so excited to be The Bachelor, but I’m scared to fall in love again after having my heart broken last season.”I hope to be seeing a lot more of you and your veneers very soon, Lucas.JoJo does not handle goodbyes well. She takes them much harder than the men she just dumped, and wants to draw them out and talk about it for as long as they’ll let her. Just stop, JoJo.Cut to Thailand, where JoJo does her morning contemplation in a white wife beater and a cultural scarf wrapped around her like a skirt. We see everything we expect to see in Thailand: wooden rafts carrying confused-looking locals, little huts selling dead fish, and even a few rice hats.Next, JoJo takes to the beach in her favorite pair of white jorts (which she wears on every single overnight date this episode) and a crop top. Does she get weekly spray tans or is her skin always glowing like that? Also, does she eat?JoJo tells the camera that she has no regrets about sending Luke home– it was just champagne tears, plus this week is the “exotic overnight dates”!! Oh boy!Robby is first to take the plunge (I mean that completely sexually), and greets her on the side car of a local’s motorcycle. Not Hagrid-style, more like a wooden contraption that most definitely would never pass a safety inspection.Upon his arrival, JoJo says, “I didn’t even recognize you!” Red flag #1 that these two are not ready to wed.As they begin their stroll around town, a monsoon hits, so they retreat to the nearest pedicure station, because pedicures are Robby’s favorite. They proceed to talk about how much they trust each other after all of that hoopla surrounding Robby’s [very recent] ex. To quote Robby, “When I said ‘I love you’ to you in Uruguay, that was me being honest. Or else I would’ve been lying.”Then, Robby starts referring to JoJo as Joelle in his private interviews. Go home, Robby, you’re drunk.That night, Joelle slips into a super hot red wrap dress. You know, the kind that shows your cooch if you take too big a step. She pretends to be hesitant about whether or not she’ll give Robby the Fantasy Suite Date Card, because it was during this exact time last season that she told Ben she loves him, which “changed everything.”JoJo, that red dress doesn’t back up your vocal hesitations.After they sit down on what looks to be a wooden dock covered in candles (wood burns, btw), Robby hands JoJo a note that his dad slyly slipped into his jean pocket during Hometowns, which he later found when he was back at the hotel. Not sure if I believe that story, but we’ll roll with it. The note said this:”Robby, I can tell you really love JoJo. [Um, excuse me Dad, it’s Joelle.] Do not get down about all this negativity surrounding it…stick to your plan. Love, Dad.”WHAT PLAN, ROBBY?? You’re not going to be the next Bachelor (Plan A), nor are you going to walk away with the girl this season (Plan B)– I’m telling you that right now. So you better be coming up with Plans C and D.After the note, Robby does a really great job (not joking, he nails it) telling JoJo exactly what she wants to hear. “I’m not like the guys in your past. I won’t say those 3 words and then cop out. [*Dramatic pause*] I’m here.”And with that, the Fantasy Suite Date Card!When is Chris Harrison going to start giving them plastic hotel keys instead of a fake Secret Garden key every time?Robby: “Now I don’t have to dream about JoJo. I get to dream with JoJo.” Uh, no, you will be doing no dreaming tonight, and we all know it.After a sufficient amount of wine, they practically skip over to the Fantasy Suite, which is lined with candles and lube. According to previous Bachelorettes, condoms are not provided. And that is the last time I’ll write “condoms” ever on this blog.JoJo tells the camera she’s “ready to be intimate with Robby because I know I love him.”Oh, God, JoJo, seriously?We return from the commercial break to find Robby and JoJo propped up in bed, with JoJo exclaiming “This is our first breakfast together!”Her dad must be so proud.She makes it clear that she did not tell Robby that she loves him, but she knows on the inside that she does.With a quick change of music and maybe a shower, JoJo scurries off to a beach where she’ll be spending the day (and night) with her favorite– Jordan!JoJo looks ready for the beach in her black bikini top until I find out that it’s a sports bra, not a bikini.They “hike” up some rocks (manmade steps included), pretending to get winded and overheated every few minutes. Meanwhile, an overweight kid wearing heavy jeans is at the top, not breathing heavily at all. A for Effort in the acting department, you two.They eventually find themselves in a cave, which doubles as a temple. Not sure how that works out since I don’t see any sort of temple structure in sight, but we do see JoJo put on the button down shirt she had tied around her waist this whole time. And here I thought that trend was stupid! Finally, it comes in handy! During that slight chance you ever find yourself in a temple where you’re not allowed to show your bare shoulders. (Showing every inch of your legs and maybe a bit of your butt when you bend over is totally acceptable, though.)They aren’t allowed to kiss in the “temple,” which JoJo says will make them have to get deep on an emotional level, instead of just physical. 90% of their conversation is telling each other how bad they want to kiss each other. Success…?For dinner, JoJo puts on a white bib crop top with a floral silk maxi skirt. I think the idea was to set the mood by wearing a bed sheet.They seem to be on the same dock/patio that she and Robby got drunk together on last night. I guess JoJo is really good at compartmentalizing.I’ve figured out why so many people think Jordan talks weird! He doesn’t close his mouth when he finishes a word with a consonant. He said “dad,” then kept his mouth open for a while after he said the final “d.” It gives off a cocky-maybe gay-bro vibe.JoJo questions whether or not their lifestyles will be compatible since Jordan doesn’t have a home base right now (we still have no clue what he does for a living, if you haven’t noticed).Jordan assures her he wants to spend his whole life with her. JoJo tells him that’s exactly what Ben said last season.Jordan steps it up a notch and goes on a long spiel about how he can see her walking towards him down the aisle, and that’s how he knows she’s the one. JoJo takes the bate, and off to the Fantasy Suite they go! We get a final glimpse of JoJo laying on the bed as Jordan shuts the door.Since breakfast in bed would be too similar to her post-coital morning with Robby, Jordan and JoJo saunter out to the living room for some toast. Jordan is shirtless, which I appreciate.JoJo says the exact same thing she said to Robby the morning prior: “It’s our first breakfast together!”Get a new line JoJo. This is weird as is.She also tells the camera the exact same thing she said about Robby, which was “When I heard him say ‘I love you’ a few times last night, I knew I felt the same.” I mean, word for word, her recounting of the night was identical. Except with Jordan, she never specified that she didn’t say “I love you” back. Because she definitely said it.Jordan can’t stop kissing her neck as they pretend to eat breakfast. Those two had a lottttt of sex last night.JoJo is now openly claiming to be in love with two men: Robby and Jordan. The unfortunate part is that she still has to go on a date with Caila Chase.Chase rides up on a moped (not in the sidecar), which was pretty hot. You can see that he’s totally in love with JoJo after Hometowns. His confidence and charisma are off the charts. I feel like I’m meeting a new man.They wander around town and makeout in the water, and JoJo constantly says how much joy he brings her. The amount that Chase tells the camera he’s in love with JoJo is a telling sign for how this will end for him. Spoiler: TERRIBLY.JoJo probably shouldn’t publicly Yib Yab with a guy on the beach if she’s going to dump him later that night.It’s during this date that I begin noticing that alarming population of well-endowed monkeys in Thailand.Chase is practically beaming as he describes the day. My heart is already breaking.In her pre-night date black maxi and perfect low bun, JoJo waits in her room for the surprise producers tell her is coming. Meanwhile, Chase is getting ready in his own room, preparing himself to say Those Three Words for the first time in his entire life. He probably thinks JoJo is just taking a long time to get ready.She’s not taking a lot time to get ready. She’s just making out with Robby instead. You heard me. Robby shows up at JoJo’s hotel room for a quick make out session right after she got back from spending the day straddling Chase in the ocean. And right before she’s supposed to straddle him in the bedroom.Robby says, “Now that I’ve gotten that taste…” EW WHAT MUTE MUTE MUTE “…of what our lives could be like together, I am ready to get down on one knee.”JoJo is thrilled, but tells Robby he has to leave because it’s time for her to go make out with Chase instead.For Chase’s night date, JoJo wisely removes the maxi that now has Robby’s smell all over it, and puts on a simple black romper with long sleeves and cold shoulders. A far cry from her red wrap dress or the silk bed sheet skirt.They have a nice “dinner,” with Chase telling her that he’s ready to be the man who protects her for life. At this point, I’m pretty sure Chase is the only guy left who is actually ready to settle down and get married.Naturally, JoJo doesn’t want the guy who’s ready. She wants a guy who’s overly trendy in his wardrobe choices and maybe a little bit famous.Chase has never said the words “I love you” before. Not ever. I will him not to waste those words on JoJo, but he doesn’t listen to my telepathic waves.He spills his heart to JoJo, giving one of the most beautiful and genuine “I love yous” this show has ever seen: “You’ve helped me get over a lot of fears. After today, and especially after tonight, I’m not scared. And I want to say I’m 100% in love with you. I’ve never told anyone that before. I know the burden that phrase carries, and I’m ready to carry that. I’m ready to carry that for you.”After he said that, he visibly looked elated– like he won the lottery. Now that is what someone looks like when they actually mean what they say.JoJo gives him an “aw, Chase,” followed by a very evident sympathy kiss.My heart hurts so bad.She then asks him to give her a minute, and she leaves the room. Not the response any guy wants after he says “I love you” for the first time in his life.JoJo starts crying on a bench outside, saying that she didn’t feel “what she wanted to feel” when Chase said “I love you.”You’re the WORST, JoJo.The light in Chase’s eyes completely shuts off when JoJo returns and begins explaining that she doesn’t love him back. She says, “I don’t even know if this makes any sense.”Chase rolls his eyes and says, “Oh. I get the point.”He’s rightfully angry when she presses him by saying “talk to me!!””I just jumped a huge hurdle for me. What do you want me to say? 100% of me regrets saying that. So now love equals get the f*** out? That was terrifying for me to say and now look where I am. You didn’t even get it a chance.”JoJo tries to make it seem like she was doing the right thing, but Chase isn’t having it. He finally stands up to leave, even though she clearly wants to drag this out as long as possible. Nonetheless, she stands, and he hugs her like a gentleman before storming out to the rejection…van. They did not have a limo prepared for this moment.The final exchange was JoJo chasing him down and saying, “I wanted to see a future with you.” Chase responded, “I saw it,” then got in the van, leaving JoJo to sob about her decision by herself. I don’t blame him one bit.Chase says, “Is this my Fantasy Suite?” as he enters the van. LOL, Chase. You’re still pretty funny.Thank God for Bachelor in Paradise commercials to lift my spirits after that doozy. Apparently Chad and Lace hook up, which is a match made in Crazy Town. I. Can’t. Wait. One week from today, y’all!Chris Harrison allowed for a casual rose ceremony due to 1 million degree heat in Thailand, as seen by Jordan and Robby’s matching outfits of lightweight blue button ups untucked over khaki jeggings.Before the Rose Ceremony begins, the camera men give us a really nice, clear shot of some literal monkey balls. Not the cinnamon sugar dough treat.When JoJo begins telling Robby and Jordan why Chase is not at the ceremony, Jordan immediately looks a little upset. Maybe he realizes that with Chase gone, the odds of him getting picked by JoJo are a solid 50%, which means there’s a good chance he won’t get to be the next Bachelor.As she’s talking, Chase rounds the corner in his own version of Robby and Jordan’s twin outfit, except instead of jeggings, he wears real khakis. The kind that men who are ready to get married wear.He pulls JoJo aside to apologize for getting so angry after she dumped him. He says he’s not here to ask for another chance, but instead wants her to know that he respects her and is open to a relationship if and when Jordan breaks her heart. She’s thrilled that he doesn’t hate her, then they hug and say “see you later.”This apology gives Chase the tiniest hope of still becoming the next Bachelor, but I highly doubt it.As Chase walks away, trailed by a curious monkey the entire time he walks down the long path back to the limo, JoJo starts crying again. This poor girl has lost all control of her emotions. “Why didn’t I fall in love with him??? When did falling in love become so hard??”Is it that hard, JoJo? Because from what you’ve said, you’re in love with not one, but TWO men. By the way, they’re still waiting for you to come relieve them from standing in the center of a cement courtyard, being beaten to death by the equator sun.Finally, she tells Robby and Jordan that her feelings for Chase didn’t compare to her feelings for them, and gives them both a rose. Jordan tells the camera that the stank look on his face is because he’s annoyed she keeps saying that her feelings for him and Robby are equal. Fair.JoJo’s toast: “I feel so lucky to be loved by you both.”Awkward.Next week, the final two meet her parents, then one or both of them propose. How is this season already coming to an end??Tonight is Men Tell All, which we can assume will revolve around Chad. Is it weird that all of a sudden I just got a craving for pastrami as I typed his name?See you tomorrow for the Men Tell All recap!