The Bachelorette Recap, Ep. 1: JoJo’s Season, The Premiere

Things I wish didn’t exist the world right now:

• ISIS

• Photoshop

• Calories

• Chad

On that bright and encouraging note, good morning, everybody! I hope all of you made it to work on time even though The Bachelorette really challenged our dedication by airing an hour later than usual, not ending until 11 p.m. Bachelor producers are getting a little cocky if you ask me, believing that Bachelor Nation will watch at any hour of the night. I mean, we will. But still.I am a straight, happily married female, but I want to lead with this on today’s recap: I would watch JoJo Fletcher paint white walls for two hours straight. That girl is so gorgeous, it almost affects my ability to enjoy my own life. And to top it off, she’s hysterical, kind, and unfiltered in the best way. Everything they told us Kaitlyn would be, but this time it’s true! Don’t get me wrong, I liked Kaitlyn just fine, but I just never understood why everyone thought she was so funny…I laughed zero times during her season. Last night, JoJo made me laugh on five thousand occasions. She will be an excellent Bachelorette.The season premier opened with a montage of JoJo’s “journey” last season with Ben, who, by the way, is the only Bachelor alum who didn’t wish JoJo good luck on Instagram yesterday. Neither did his fiancé, Lauren B. That doesn’t sit well with me…makes me wonder if Lauren B is jealous, and didn’t want Ben to acknowledge the other woman he said “I love you” to? If that’s the case, I totally get Lauren B’s issues, but come on. Put on a fake face like everyone else does on social media and pretend to be happy for her.Anyway, Ben’s schtick last season was “I am afraid I’m unlovable,” and this season, JoJo’s schtick is “I want someone to mean it when they say ‘I love you.'” That’s a fair desire, especially coming off of Ben’s massive mistake of telling her he loved her right before he dumped her on national television.JoJo does her opening contemplation scene in a chambray button up, which threw me for a loop. We’ve never, ever seen JoJo wear that much clothing, and I realized in that moment just how much I can’t blame men for objectifying women, because I, myself really missed JoJo’s boobs.Before I could get too upset about it, though, JoJo was shown strolling along the beach in her blue bikini, and all was right again in the world. My favorite part was when she was contemplating on a very sharp-looking rock in the water, and a wave completely crashed on top of her. Thank God editors thought it was funny, too, and kept it in the opening package. The Bachelor crew has been taking the show less and less seriously over the years, which I appreciate.Next, JoJo puts on a teeny romper (!!) and sits down with former Bachelorettes Kaitlyn (engaged to her winner), Desiree (married to her winner with a baby on the way), and Ali Fedowsky (broke up with her winner, now engaged to someone else with a baby on the way) for some advice. I felt like I should use Ali’s last name because her season was so long ago that most of you were still in 10th grade. I, myself, was just graduating college and Hulu wasn’t a thing yet, so the only television I watched was Oprah at 4 p.m. and reruns of The Hills.All the girls said, “We’re so excited for you, JoJo!” and then Kaitlyn goes, “I”m actually scared for you.” First time Kaitlyn has ever made me laugh, and it was amazing. I was pretty shocked at how all of the girls said that they wished they hadn’t been so obsessed with guys solely based on who was the hottest. Girls are pigs, too. As seen by confessions of these Bachelorettes, and by my obsession with JoJo’s hair/face/boobs/legs/tan/outfits.JoJo chooses a gold/nude sparkly dress with no front to meet the guys for the first time. No one was complaining.Chris Harrison made some major statements with his appearance as he greeted JoJo in the Bachelor Mansion driveway, sporting a brand new haircut and a solid navy blue suit, which strayed from his usual choice of pinstripes for premier night. I noticed, Chris, don’t you worry.Before the men arrived, we got to see some “get-to-know-me” packages for a few of them. These were my takeaways:

• Grant with The Chin is not as much of a douche canoe as I predicted from his picture

• Aaron Jordan Rodgers might possibly buy his skinny jeans from Ann Taylor LOFT, just like me!

  • He also sat in a torrential downpour during all of his contemplation scenes, and just pretended there was nothing abnormal going on. No umbrella. You would’ve thought it was 75 and sunny based on his face.

  • Alex the Marine is hotter in his picture than he is in real life, which is the exact opposite for most guys on this season

  • James the Bachelor Superfan is definitely gay

  • Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert used to be a pastor

  • Prince Ali with The Eyebrows has piano skills strong enough to make me forget about his eyebrows

  • Christian the Hot Nerd is the catch of the century

  • Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy is the only person who will give Jordan Rodgers a run for his money, and he looks nothing like a Johnny Depp character, despite his official photo

A rundown of arrivals:Aaron Jordan Rodgers— Coming in strong right out of the gate. Last season’s winner was the first person out of the limo, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a repeat. Jordan tells JoJo that his parents only dated for a few months before getting married (like me!), so don’t worry, JoJo, this can work. JoJo doesn’t hear anything he says because she’s too busy silently thanking producers for choosing men who fit her criteria.Derek— I think Derek reads this blog, given that he commented on my Instagram post about my pre-cap recap, and started following me (@shannythegranny). So, if that’s the case, hi Derek! Thank you for wearing a very sharp suit and not doing anything embarrassing. I would’ve liked to see a little more pizzaz though. Step up. I need you to become the next Bachelor so that my predictions list can come true. Also, has anyone ever told you that you look like Jim from The Office?Grant with The Chin— Tells JoJo he’s not going to fall in love with two girls, he’s only going to fall in love with her. Yeah, duh Grant, there’s literally no other option on this show.James F.— Tells JoJo he didn’t come here for a rose, he came here for a relationship. His red tie makes me think otherwise.Robby— Opens a bottle of wine and tells JoJo they’re going to drink from the bottle, as is her family tradition. My favorite entrance BY FAR. This picture of JoJo’s mom during hometowns will never get old, so you better get used to seeing it:Alex the Marine— His pants are too short, which makes me think he’s trying to create the illusion that he’s tall, which he isn’t. I hope he’s not this nervous when he’s fighting our country’s enemies.Will— Just as adorable as I suspected. He pretends to drop his notecards with what he wants to say to JoJo, then accidentally purposefully reads them in the wrong order, which results in a silly sentence saying “I’m so excited to meet you, because I am…the most beautiful girl in the world.” I can tell he practiced that delivery. Kudos for effort.Chad— Remember when I mentioned a couple of things I wish didn’t exist in our world? Yep, he’s the one on that list. He immediately attacks JoJo’s personal space by grabbing both of her hands in condensed patty cake position, then speaks 3 inches from her face. I have no idea what he said because I was too distracted by his douchebaggery.Daniel the Lambo— Ugh, he’s so gross. This is the guy who refers to his body as  “lambo(rghini).” His opening is the “Dammmmmn Daniel” joke that my husband + friends way overused on our trip in Ireland. JoJo completely misses the reference and makes a mental note to never visit Canada.Prince Ali with The Eyebrows— Ali, bless his heart, gave the most awkward wave to JoJo as he stepped out of the limo, complete with “uh, hi.” I thought it was a joke at first, like “Aw, shucks, hiya JoJo!” It wasn’t a joke.James Taylor— Came out of the limo playing the guitar, naturally. It had the potential to be a super awkward or “here for the wrong reasons” moment, but he pulled it off and is squarely in my Top 6-8, as I predicted by his picture.Jonathan– Wore a kilt, made a sexual joke, yeah, bye.Cut to the men all hanging out in the mansion as Jonathan walks in. Daniel the Lambo tells the camera that the kilt is so desperate, and that guys should be playing it cool the first night. “It’d be like me taking off my shirt to show off my body. I’m not going to do that,” he says. Foreshadowing, me thinks? Jonathan tells the guys he’s not wearing any “panties” under his kilt, which is a sentence that makes me uncomfortable in many, many ways.Back to the driveway!Saint Nick— Out of the chimney limo pops Santa Claus! I think the costume includes a fat suit, but we can’t be sure. Instead of “Ho ho ho!” he says “Jo Jo Jo!” Clever. JoJo is into it because she gets a present from his bag, even though she can’t see his face.In the house, Saint Nick hands out stuffed animals to all the guys, and Chad sounds off to the camera about how much better he is than everyone here. Aaron Jordan Rodgers befriends Santa, which makes me swoon a little bit. There is the slight possibility that Jordan thought he was the real Santa.Chase— Wears sunglasses with a mustache attachment and says, “I mustache you a question.” Meh, he’s a bit boring, but I stick to my prediction that he has potential to be Top 4.Jake— We know nothing about his arrival, because it’s dubbed over with Robby explaining that half of the guys are successful and smart, while the other half are “gimmick guys.” Jake is shown while Robby says “successful and smart,” so I’m guessing he’s pretty normal.Sal— Gave JoJo two blue stress balls to squeeze. Vom. Obviously he was shown while Robbie said, “gimmick guys.”Coley— Tells JoJo that since she’s in the real estate business, he wants to take her off the market. Not gonna happen, Coley.Brandon the Professional Hipster— Tells JoJo he doesn’t know anything about her since he didn’t watch last season. He’s obviously too hip to watch the show, but not too hip to be on the show.James the Bachelor Superfan— His face that throws me off, like there are no dimensions or something. I can’t put my finger on it, but there’s a real chance he’s made of wax. He doesn’t tell JoJo that he’s a Bachelor Superfan, which was smart. He does wear a bright blue suit, though, which pulls his sexual orientation into question even more than the Bachelor Superfan thing.Me and Daniel the Lambo both look around and realize that all of the guys in the house are way hotter than their pictures let on. To quote Daniel, “If I were gay, this would be paradise.” Daniel…I think you are gay. Maybe even gayer than James. Which could be why the producers decided to put in this segment right after James’ arrival..? Are editors trying to be subtle matchmakers..? Sneaky.Nick S.— Does the splits and kisses JoJo’s hands over and over again. I know two people who know this guy, and none of them have an opinion about him other than “he and his brother were both really hot, even in high school.” Still hot, still don’t have an opinion about him.Vinny— Makes a toast with toast. As in, he hands her a piece of bread. Help.Peter— Gives JoJo a big red heart and says he wants to be her Man Crush Monday. JoJo was not as impressed with his ability to pull off a khaki suit as I thought she’d be.Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert— He says “Oh, God Bless America!” when he sees JoJo, then greets her with, “Hey, girlie!” He truly is the perfect mix of ex-pastor and Erectile Dysfunction Expert.Wells— He’s a radio DJ, and apparently old friends with All-4-One, the boy band that sings “I Swear” (by the moon and the stars in the sky…). Fun fact: I had an argument with my husband the other night when he tried to tell me Boyz II Men didn’t sing “I Swear.” He told me it was All-4-One, and I didn’t believe him until Google told me he was right. Something I’ve learned in my marriage is that I’m never, ever right. Never. It’s so annoying. Anyway, All-4-One has come up in my life twice in one week, which is two times more than they’ve ever come up before. All-4-of-them got out of the limo with Wells, and proceeded to serenade JoJo while Wells stood next to her and helped her sway to the music. They also followed Wells around the whole night, and provided backup music whenever he talked with JoJo. All the guys in the house were super impressed, but none of them knew that the guys singing were actually the original artists for the song. They thought Wells had just brought a random a cappella group with him. Sounds like something I would’ve done.Christian the Hot Nerd— Arrives on a motorcycle, which JoJo tells the camera is hot. Yeah, I thought it was hot that my husband rode a motorcycle, too, when we met. Just wait until marriage. Everything changes. Motorcycles go from “hot” to “a contraption that might kill my husband, so I’m going to pressure him to sell it.”Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy— Shows up on a white horse with a unicorn horn attached to its head and tells JoJo that he believes unicorns exist, too. Unicorn=person who is too good to be true, but is real. He leaves his unicorn in the middle of the driveway as he walks over to greet JoJo, and the unicorn just aimlessly starts walking back down the driveway. It’s hilarious.Luke was the last guy to arrive. Notice that Jordan was the first, and Luke the last. They are the two frontrunners. This is what I like to call “strategy.”The rest of the night goes as expected: Daniel the Lambo gets hammered, strips down to his very small underwear (or, “panties,” as kilt guy would say) and jumps in the pool. So much for playing it cool the first night. Chad bashes all the guys in his interviews, then turns on the sweet-guy charm for JoJo. Top Villain. Jordan gets the first kiss and the first impression rose. Prince Ali with The Eyebrows’ piano playing saves him for another week. Two drunk guys interrupt JoJo while she’s giving the cameras a private interview. JoJo takes off Saint Nick’s Santa beard to see what he actually looks like, says “oh, you’re cute!”, and then puts it right back on. Burn.Right as JoJo is giving the guys her opening rose ceremony speech about not taking rejection personally (LOL), Jake Pavelka shows up. Jake was the Bachelor back before Ali Fedowsky was the Bachelorette, so obviously no one knew who he was other than James the Bachelor Superfan. Even still, the rest of the guys say “Pavelka” with ease in their reaction interviews, which makes me think they’re all closet superfans. Is old-man Jake (38) going to try and enter the race for JoJo’s (25) heart?? Nope, turns out he’s a longtime family friend of JoJo. Wait, so casting for this show isn’t entirely random?? Say it ain’t so!By the time the rose ceremony ends, it’s light outside, which makes me think Jake arrived right around 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. JoJo tells him she’s grateful that he stopped by to give her some advice and encouragement, but we all know that deep down, she’s pissed that he’s keeping her awake longer than she needs to be.JoJo returns to the rose ceremony room, where the guys are all standing with their eyes half closed, pretending to be worried that Jake was making a move on JoJo. I guarantee that 50% of them will not remember anything that happened during this point in the night.Rose ceremony:Aaron Jordan Rodgers already has a rose. The rest go to:Luke the Skinny Jean CowboyWells (All-4-One)James TaylorGrant with The ChinDerek (possible Generation grannY reader)Christian the Hot NerdChad the VillainChaseAlex the MarineRobbyBrandon the Professional HipsterJames F.Prince Ali with The Eye BrowsSaint NickWillJames S. the Bachelor SuperfanVinnyEvan the Erectile Dysfunction ExpertDaniel the Lambo (producer’s choice)We say goodbye to:Sal with the blue ballsJakeColeyPeter with the khaki suitJonathan in the kiltNick S. the guy my friends [kind of] knowNone of the rejected guys do anything crazy in their exit interviews, which was a real disappointment.Teasers for the rest of the season show Aaron Jordan Rodgers, Robby, and Alex the Marine all telling JoJo they’re in love with her at some point. The guys clearly get jealous of Jordan and start bashing him, but Chad emerges as the Top Villain (no surprise). We see bloody knuckles and a man’s shirt soaked in blood in one camera shot, which leads me to believe that Chad ends up murdering someone. Talk about a never before seen moment on The Bachelor!Godspeed, JoJo.See you all next week when the truly interesting stuff begins!