The Great COVID-19 Divide: Motherhood Edition

Surprise surprise. Mothers have divided themselves squarely into two opposing camps regarding the coronavirus’ impact on parents staying home with their children all day. Motherhood? Divisive? Florals for spring?? Groundbreaking.

I’m feeling TESTED, you guys. Maybe it’s my son’s croup cough keeping me up all night or maybe it’s the underlying anxiety this #covid19 pandemic is causing all of us, but my patience is thin. Side note: Look up the symptoms for croup and the symptoms for coronavirus. They’re the exact same. That’s fun.

The Two Camps of Quarantine Parenting — And Why Both Are Wrong

Listen, I’m wondering if everyone is more bored than usual, thus even more prone to share their opinions about other people’s family lives online, but both camps are really poking this sleepy bear. Me. I’m the sleepy bear.

Camp A: If you think staying at home with your children is tough, you’re obviously a disengaged parent who is ungrateful for her kids, lazy, and incapable of seeing the gift that is family time.

Camp B: If you think staying at home with your children is easy, you either have an only child or you have no life.

Both camps can go home. Pack up the tent poles and get gone. For real.

Why, oh why, does everything have to be so black and white? And why is the dividing line always the most distinct when it comes to passing judgments using extremely limited (or no) information?? I mean, how much do you actually know about your students’ parents? How much do you actually know about your friend from high school, that influencer you follow, or your coworker? Are you with them day in and day out, taking notes on their family dynamics, overarching parenting values, and medically aware of the wellbeing of both themselves and their children?

THEN SIT THE STINK DOWN.

What You Don’t Know About My Kid (Or Anyone Else’s)

Don’t tell me to create fun crafts with my children and enjoy this “quiet” time together as a family unless you have watched my child throw markers at the walls within 45 seconds of touching them, or tell me to do a fun family yoga video unless you’ve witnessed him lunge onto my person like a linebacker whenever I’m on the floor. Attributing such behavior to a parenting flaw? Try again. I’m a really good parent. I’m leaning into that truth, despite the self-doubt all of us moms face. But when I step back and look at the big picture, I’m pretty freaking good. I take him outside as often as possible to play with rocks in nature, I keep him on a sleep schedule, I feed him very little sugar and lots of nutrient-rich food, I limit TV time, I have dance parties with him in the dining room, and I consistently discipline him using non-violent methods and loving resolution. But you know what? He’s an aggressive two year old who often turns to hitting, biting, and kicking when he’s bored or unable to maturely express his emotions. He throws his fork at his baby sister when he’s eating, no matter how many different ways I’ve tried to train and discipline him not to. He dumps sensory bins on their heads, chucks his heavy wooden toys at the window, and screams like a banshee because our dog looked at him the wrong way.

I’m not saying all of this to publicly shame my kid. The opposite, actually. I think he’s an awesome little dude, who is remarkably brilliant and shockingly hilarious in unexpected moments. He’s also insanely kind, asking if I’m okay and apologizing without being prompted. But I’m acknowledging that he’s two. And he’s wild. And he has more energy than an entire army of Universal Picture minions. If you think staying at home all day every day with him is easy, you are more than welcome to fly to Alaska and have a whack at it. Oh my gosh, you guys, I haven’t even mentioned that I have a 2-month-old baby who nurses for 45 minutes-1 hour at a time, 9-10 times a day, rendering me unable to move for more hours per week than a full time job, plus weekends. All while watching my toddler destroy everything in sight.

I love my children. I am grateful for them. I am a good freaking mom. But yeah, I might post a few slides to my Instagram story making fun of how beat up I am by keeping him home from daycare during social distancing because as much as I’m supposed to love putting stickers of sea creatures on pieces of paper with him, it makes me want to blow my brains out. Oh and yes, you heard me correctly: I put my two-year-old in part time day care even though I’m a Stay at Home Mom, because that’s what’s best for both of us to learn, grow, and be our best selves. COME AT ME. (I don’t just sit around and watch Love Is Blind, for the record. Though I have seen it, and Jessica Messica shares wine with her dog FROM THE GLASS! Can you even??)

To the Moms Who Are Thriving in Quarantine: Keep Going

Here’s the flip side, though. If you’re a huge fan of building forts and your kids don’t tear them down the second they’re erect, I’m honestly really thrilled for you to get this precious time together. Enjoy it. I don’t think you’re a mombot or lame. In fact, I really appreciate you offering up activities that may work for other parents who want to be creative at home, but struggle with ideas! I simply ask that you don’t expect all parents to have that level of enthusiasm since their kids might be different than yours, and their natural proclivities as parents and humans differ from yours. School aged kids, toddlers, failures to launch—no matter the ages of people in the house, your family is not their family, and you know basically nothing about another woman’s gold star chart of motherhood.

If coronavirus quarantine is bringing your family closer together through “rest” and “memorable time together”, enjoy it without implying those of us who are trying to juggle babies on the boob and Hulk toddlers are not up for the task of parenting our own kids. I’m happy to parent my own kids, but part of my parenting strategy is to lean into his energy and independence by sending him to school, where he can learn to respect adults who aren’t me, run wild during recess, and acquire knowledge that I might not think to teach him. Could I technically raise him all by myself? Sure. But I believe a village makes him a better kid and me a better mom. I believe in multiple sources of authority in his life. I have no problem saying that his teachers play a huge role in his upbringing (and his nanny before them). I back them up, don’t question their intentions, and fully miss them during this isolation.

Stop Contributing to Mom Guilt During a Pandemic

Anyway, live your quarantined family life how you want to live it as long as your children are shown deep and affectionate love. I’ll be over here watching too much Dinosaur Train (even though I’m usually a stickler about TV time) because feeding my infant and entertaining my toddler 24/7 by myself is hard. And as for the Stay at Home Moms who do it year round? Well I’ve yet to meet a single one who doesn’t want to pull her hair out at least four times a day, even though yes, some mothers are more inclined toward the chaos than others. Kudos to them, but they are not better moms. Hear me loud and clear on that one. Better or worse does not exist if your children are loved, cared for, and occasionally disciplined. (Seriously.)

So don’t do it. Don’t contribute to mom guilt, anxiety, and depression by implying or overtly calling other moms incapable, unwilling, or bad parents during coronavirus quarantine. The vast majority of us are doing the very best we can while trying to not kill off the vulnerable, freak out over finances, or catch cabin fever. For pete’s sake, everybody! Show love, be safe, and ration your snacks. Over and out.