Having Your Second Baby is Less Scary than You Think

Week 3 with our second kiddo: Still easier than Baby #1, but exhaustion has fully set in. We’ve decided to focus on teaching her the difference between day and night by implementing a very loose schedule, and so far so good! Two days into our master plan, and she’s done some longer stretches at night (read: 3-3.5h instead of 45m-1h)— so round of applause! But as any seasoned parent knows, this could very well be a fluke. I’ve learned to celebrate little wins while not raising my expectations whatsoever.

Here’s the thing. Even though I led with this information, I’ve decided I hate talking about “how she’s sleeping.” Does it really matter? I know that eating and sleeping are all newborns do, so that’s why everyone asks about those matters, but a “good” sleeper is mostly luck. I mean, yes, I am helping her learn day vs. night and giving her the tools she needs to sleep on her own and all that good stuff, but generally speaking, some babies just sleep longer than other babies earlier on in life. It’s not about if the mom is doing something right or wrong. It’s not if the baby is good-natured or not. It’s just the way it is. And the more we talk about it, the more opportunity there is for exhausted mothers to compare themselves to other exhausted mothers– and no hormonal mother needs that kind of added stress in her life. Shewww.

Same goes for breastfeeding. Yes, it’s going “better” this time than with Anders, perhaps in part to me taking a different approach, and perhaps some luck. She probably doesn’t have the lip tie he does (God-given luck), and I’m probably letting her nurse more often because it’s less overwhelming to me since I already know how to do it (different approach). BUT. Is the fact that she’s currently exclusively breastfed really something I need to brag about? Nope. Because supply and capacity and all that jazz are not a reflection of good mothering OR a healthy baby. I know this for a fact because Anders had to supplement with formula and I’m just as good a mom to him, plus he’s ridiculously healthy. Like, he could count to 13 and read every letter of the alphabet on random signs before he turned two. He’s A-okay, folks. Formula shormula…at this point, he’s all about noodles and carrots anyway. (Carrots are legitimately his favorite food, blessed be.)

So yeah, to sum things up, I’m pretty tired and my nipples hurt. A groundbreaking experience for the first few weeks of mothering a newborn. You’re welcome for letting you in on that information.

What I do think is pretty interesting and worthy of talking about is the difference between Baby #1 and Baby #2! Not in the “who’s the better sleeper/eater” sense, but the Fear Factor.

With the exception of a few mothers I know, almost every fellow mom has expressed a serious fear of having a second child—primarily because one kid is hard enough. Plus the newborn stage with #1 scarred most of us. No one adequately prepares you for just how tiring it is. I remember being downright ANGRY with every mother in the world for not warning me seriously enough about the sleep deprivation, the confusion, and the worry. Someone needs to let you know that it feels like you might die. This is my public warning to you mom-to-bes. Unless you luck out, there will be sometimes you think you might actually die. You won’t. But it really sucks. It’s really really not all fun and cute. You deserve to know this information amidst the squishy Instagram photos and half-hearted comments like “sleep now!”. No. Girl. For real. You’re in for it.

Anyway, the fear of the second child is real. But unnecessary. (Despite my warning about Baby #1 above.) YES it’s hard, duh. Yes chasing a toddler on top of no sleep is a lot. Of course I can only speak from my experience, but it’s not as hard as you might think. I’ve yet to feel like I might die this time. Sure, I’ve cried in the middle of the night when she has been nursing for four hours straight and I got one hour of sleep in the last 24 and OH MY GOD this is impossible, but I know there’s light at the end of the tunnel this time around. She WILL start sleeping more consistently. She WILL get this amazing personality and turn into a little human that becomes my best friend and mortal enemy (jk jk) and my boobs won’t fall off (welllll not entirely).

KNOWING the light at the end of the tunnel is a gamechanger for #2. Now, I haven’t experienced post partum depression like some women do after their second delivery. I also don’t have a colicky baby, or a sick baby, or a lack of funds and support that could make a second child incredibly difficult. I know that my experience is NOT a catch-all. However, for many of you who fear Baby #2 just like I did, I hope to give you some comfort that there’s a good chance it won’t be as bad as you think it will be.

Listen, at this point, you’re already used to revolving your life and energy around a child, so it’s not as jarring to add another one to the pile. Moments of fury and panic and emotional/physical breaking points happen with one kid. Those feelings aren’t new with #2, so it’s not like you have any new emotional experience to dread. It’s definitely challenging when you’re nursing your newborn and your toddler decides to try and pummel her to death while you frantically try to ward off his little fists without hurting him or ripping off your nipple or squishing her or spilling the breast milk attached in a silicone funnel to your second breast…but you know. You’ll survive. (HALP)

Seriously though. It’s not easy, but it’s easier than the “will this be forever” feeling of newborn #1. You’ve already proven how strong you are. Baby #1 has sharpened your edges, refined your spirit, strength-trained your arms, and helped you relax about the crazy stuff. By this point, you’ve learned that an hour of TV a day will not keep him from learning his ABCs. You’ve tested the theory that eating food off the ground will lead to scary disease. (I mean, it hasn’t yet!) And hopefully you have learned NOT to encourage early crawling and walking. It sounds exciting but we all know it’s more exciting to have a cute baby who can’t actually get himself into harms way. I love a good, still baby.

Guys. You can do it. If you kind of want a second baby and the only thing holding you back is fear…don’t let it. You are stronger than you think. Don’t you know that by now?? I bet you’ve done some pretty wild things to survive with your first babe. Undress one-handed while holding a 20 pound sack of potatoes? Check. Change a diaper and dodge pee while doing a phone interview for work? You betcha. Calmly sing Old MacDonald Had a Farm 70 times in a row to appease your child in the car? Pass the Grammy.

Summary: Baby #2 is fantastic. You’re capable of so much more since Baby #1 was your personal baby trainer. You appreciate their teeny tininess in ways you couldn’t with your first because you were in such a daze. You don’t have to learn how to install a carseat or put on a carrier or figure out what nursing bra works best for you. You know a few more tricks about getting the baby to sleep in her bassinet so you can be hands free for a minute (and write a blog post!). You are SO MUCH more prepared than you were for Baby #1. You’ve got this.

But Baby #3? Yeahhhh I’m good right now pleaseandthankyou.