Bachelorette Recap, Hannah, Ep. 4: No Taxation Without Representation

My instincts last week were correct. It’s time to get these boys out of LA and see who can keep their tan the longest!

The boys head off to Newport, Rhode Island, where I lived for a year at the age of 3, and is where I became convinced that some cats have no bones. That’s what I remember about living there. Thank you to my older brother for that one. Not quite as bad as when he convinced me that sharks can break through the drains in the deep end of the pool. 

Enough about me. Let’s talk about the brotherhood of the traveling denim, specifically Jed and John Paul Jones’ denim on denim JT & Britney inspired get-ups. Also, the ankles on this group, amirite?? Alllllll the ankles peeping out beneath their cuffed skinnies.

A guy I’ve literally never seen before on this show reads the date card to his fellow boyfriends.

“Jed, Meet me in Boston. – Hannah”

Dang, so much for Newport, Rhode Island getting its day in the sun.

Jed’s response was to say “If I had a tail, I’d wag it for sure.” Weird, but also kind of cute? Speaking of Bachelor Nation and dogs, anyone else obsessed with Kaitlyn and Jason’s new dog Ramen Noodle that they rescued from Korea? Because I am. 

Wearing a leather jacket with so many silver studs that Hot Topic is now low on supply, Hannah invites viewers to get to know Boston. She reminsices about the Boston Tea Party, and manages to spit out the slogan we all learned in 4th grade. I am more than a little impressed that she remembered it. It took her a minute, but she got there. No representation without tax…wait, no taxation without representation!

She and Jed greet eachother with the exceedingly difficult slow mo straddle hug, which can only be accomplished when both parties have the abs of Hercules, or Duane The Rock Johnson.

Hannah tells us that today is all about fun. Fun in AMERICA. For the first time in Bachelor history, she admits that producers just fed her all of the historical facts she’s spewing out. But dang if she isn’t good at delivering them!

Have I mentioned she’s my favorite Bachelorette in a long time? Minus the jacket.

After a quick drink at Cheers and some Halo Top ice cream in a field, they walk into the Boston Celtic’s practice court to see two very famous basketball players that I would never recognize because I know nothing about basketball except for the fact that my friend hooked up with Kyrie Irving in college, and Gabrielle Union has a v cute baby with Dwayne Wade.

But Jed seems very excited to see them, so I am too!

Jed and Hannah each team up with a pro baller for a little 2 on 2. At one point, Jed tickles Hannah’s armpits when she’s trying to block him, but it looked like he was going in for a double boob squeeze. Whoa nelly! 

Hannah and Jed have an incredibly easy, natural connection, and I couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy as I saw just how herself Hannah was being. She was goofy and energetic and clearly having a blast. This is how good dates look.

They close out the basketball date with a kiss beneath the hoop, and Jed has this .gif to prove to the world for all of time that he’s the coolest guy alive.

That night over dinner, Jed confesses Hannah that he came on the show to have a big platform for his music, but after meeting her, he is now truly in it for her. Listen, I LOVED his honesty. Every single person going on this show is in it for the experience or some sort of promotion, and then a select few actually catch some feels while they’re there. The fact that he was man enough to admit this to her and remove the elephant from the room that follows ALL musicians who go on this show was impressive.

GROUP DATE:

Dylan

Matteo

JPJ

Connor

Garrett

Dustin

Devin

Grant

Peter

Kevin

Mike

Luke S

Luke P

 True love requires blood sweat and tears. – Hannah

Luke P hears the word “blood” and gets excited! His fave! 

In a puffy jacket made from electric blue tinfoil, Hannah greets the guys in their workout gear. Apparently guys are really into leggings these days, worn beneath their shorts. Or maybe that’s always been a thing and I never noticed until I saw 13 dudes wearing matching leggings all walking in a pod. Idk.

The boys are in for a game of rugby, which means someone is definitely going to get hurt. Remember when an NFL player came on the show and got hurt during flag football? This has the potential to be much, much worse.

John Paul Jones channels his inner Sunshine from Remember the Titans (this season really has a lot of RTT undertones) and makes some seriously amazing faces as he runs with his blonde locks whipping behind him.

Luke P truly is Geoffrey from GOT, but in the body of the Hulk. Bad combo. Between the scary music and close ups of his fists, I’m on the edge of my seat waiting for him to kill someone.

Finally, he gets aggressive with Luke S (oh right there’s another Luke here!) and decides to body slam him, even though they were at least 50 yards away from the ball. It was a personal body slam.

Luke S survives, but he’s not happy. Luke P tries to apologize because he forgot for a second that there are cameras around, but Luke S isn’t having it.

Keeping on her theme of shiny materials, Hannah wears a silver silk suit for cocktails that evening, with no shirt beneath the blazer. I’m thinking it looked better in person.

She immediately asks Luke to chat, and asks what happened out on the field. He says Luke S was trying to punch him, so he body slammed him in self-defense. Oh, and by the way, Luke S is only here to sell his tequila brand.

Luke S tells his side of the story, but Hannah doesn’t respond much because she barely remembered Luke S was even here until this whole event happened. 

Dustin, Mike, and Dylan all tell Hannah that Luke S is telling the truth, and Luke P is a sociopath. She thinks Luke P is super hot though, so she’s still confused about what to believe.

HANNAH! Come on now, girl.

In the midst of all this back and forth, Kevin—who hurt his shoulder during rugby and had to go to the hospital—showed back up wearing a sling that looks like it was made in 750 BC by the toga of a roman warrior. Does Rhode Island not have doctors?

Garrett and Peter both have good conversations with Hannah despite the mess going on around them. Garrett gets the group date rose.

The next morning, Hannah is straight up weeping on a dock because she really, really likes Luke P and is sad that he’s apparently a lunatic. She doesn’t want to go on her one-on-one date with Tyler because she’s so distraught.

Soooo I guess she’d already chosen Luke P in her head and now feels heartbroken. Our girl moves fast. I get that.

Tyler shows up and Hannah admits she’s in a funk and probably won’t be very much fun today. I didn’t expect a lot of depth from Tyler because he talks with his eyes half closed and speaks in phrases he must’ve read in Pick Up Lines 101. He promises her that it’s okay to have bad days, and part of his job as her partner is to lift her up when she’s down. Tyler, wow, you are very cute.

They go lobstering, pulling up cages onto a boat while wearing rubber pants. Tyler makes her laugh a lot, and slowly pulls her out of her bad mood. It’s quite charming to watch. I’m hopping on the Tyler train, for SURE.

He regresses a bit into his old ways when he tells Hannah at dinner, “Girl, you’re dangerous in black”, but now I’m beginning to think his weird pick up lines are just a quirky personality trait. My, how much a little lobstering can do for a man’s rep.

He continues to impress me as he tells Hannah about taking care of his dad shortly before coming on the show, when his father got extremely sick. Even Hannah admits she thought he was a shallow player, but impressed her today. TO HIS FACE. Ouch, but he handles it well. 

She gives him the rose, and takes him to a theatre where they dance to a live performance by Jake Owen in front of a screaming audience. Wow, who knew Jake Owen was such a babe? Hubba hubba! (Eyes on Tyler, Hannah!) 

Time for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour! Hannah’s skin looks AMAZING in her black spaghetti strap dress. Tyler wasn’t wrong when he said she’s dangerous in black.

Peter asks Hannah to officially be his girlfriend, and stipulates that she’s allowed to date 14 other guys too. It could’ve been weird, but was actually super cute. He’s a front runner for sure.

Luke S asks Luke P in front of all the guys if he truly thinks he’s here for his tequila business (which isn’t even a business yet). Luke P says, no, he doesn’t actually think that. So Luke S says “Well then you need to go tell Hannah that what you said wasn’t true.”

Luke P agrees, and goes and tells Hannah that Luke S just asked him to put in a good word for him, which makes him feel very weird. But he stands by what he said earlier about Luke S.

WHATTTT?? This guy infuriates me. He’s the master manipulator, second only to my maltipoo.

Mike tells Luke P that he’s a psychopath, who proceeds to look up the definition on his producer’s phone. Literally. Luke P continues his story that he was just threatened by Luke S. He’s not a violent guy. Mike exclaims “You were THREATENED by Luke S??” Poor Luke S. It’s true that he’s a toothpick compared to Luke P. I wonder if he was offended.

Hannah pulls aside both of the Lukes…TO BE CONTINUED. 

If the second half of this recap felt rushed, it’s because my mac and cheese is done boiling and I really want to go eat it.

She’s going to send both Lukes home right? Wrong?