Bachelorette Recap, Tayshia, Ep. 8: Self Portraits

Tayshia is setting up brunch for two, wearing a skin tight white mini dress while carrying a large platter of carbs and I’m just telling you that what I’m seeing doesn’t add up.

Someone knocks on the door and I assume it must be an entire football team coming to carb up for their game, but it’s former Bachelorette Jo Jo! 

This does not bode well for those poor little croissants that will never see the inside of anywhere but a hotel trash can.

I am immediately reminded why Jo Jo is my favorite Bachelorette in the last 10 years, and with Tayshia bringing the strong game, I’m basically swooning over the two most beautiful and funny and down-to-earth Bachelorettes ever. Except Jo Jo isn’t technically a bachelorette anymore since she’s [still] engaged to Jordan. I follow her on Insta (DUH) and they were supposed to get married this year but…Covid. 

The girls chat about nothing that matters but we’re still excited for this power duo energy.

Chris Harrison arrives at the men’s villa (knocks first, per the request of Ed) and announces that he’ll be taking a few weeks off to take his son to college. Could this man get any more wholesome? I think not. He then introduces Jo Jo as his temporary replacement!

She walks in and the guys actively have to try not to think about how they wouldn’t have minded being on her season of The Bachelorette, either.

I try to listen to JoJo’s speech but I’m too distracted by Ben YET AGAIN wearing a shirt with a neck hole big enough for a conjoined twin to join him up in there. Which would be really cool, actually, but alas, he is but a single human and his neck does not require such a massive scoop.

The meeting ends with absolutely nobody saying they’ll miss Chris Harrison because hi, have you ever looked at JoJo? And then the week officially kicks off with a one-on-one invitation to Zac C. 

Here’s the thing I’ve been needing to get off my chest about Zac C. He looks far too similar to a playa playa I once knew in NYC. Same face. Same sparkly eyes. Same personality. Same age. It makes me wonder if he’s just reallyyyy good at flirting and making people feel like he has chemistry with them. Because he *does* seem to have great chemistry with Tayshia, but I struggle to completely trust him. Obviously I could be projecting. Or he could be the clone of the player in NYC. Time will tell. 

Oh, and if you’re wondering if how I know he isn’t actually the guy in NYC, himself, the man’s name was not Zac. And also he was not white. If you are surprised that I can label two people clones of different ethnicities, I will remind you that my dream is for Mindy Kaling to play me in the movie of my life.

Today’s recap is all over the place. Wow. Okay. 

Zac’s high top white sneaks further my suspicions about him, but I’ll try to take him at face value which is that he and Tayshia are very cute together. Their date is to be photographed in wedding day attire–white dress, tux, etc.–and neither are stoked about it. They’re not even pretending to be excited so that the producer who came up with it didn’t feel embarrassed. The only shining light is the flamboyant photographer, whose teeny tiny booty shorts with dragonflies on them matched with pink loafers remind me why I miss Hell’s Kitchen, NYC in the summer. The photographer’s name is Franco Lacosta, and I do not know who he is but now I want to.

Zach and Tayshia loosen up after they change out of the white gown and black bowtie tux, jumping around on a trampoline wearing fantasy princess outfits and popping bottles of champagne in party clothes. 

That night, they both share about having been married before. Zac explains that he rushed into a marriage when he was young because he had a brain tumor. Then he got addicted to pain meds after surgery and went off the deep end so his wife left him. Tayshia and I both appreciate him opening up about his past and journey to sobriety. He gets the rose and they gallivant off to pull a random lever sitting in a walkway which magically turns on a random carnival ferris wheel they carted onto the property for the evening.

The group date is yet another activity revolving around clothesless people, except this time, the guys aren’t the ones getting naked. Instead, they have to paint a naked couple standing in the center of the room in a manner definitely not compliant with CDC social distancing guidelines.

I’m not amused. I’m not offended by nakedness but can we just like, come up with a more creative form of entertainment? Strip dodgeball, speedo splashball, nude portraits. Like…work harder, producers. Do better.

The guys’ paintings are disasters.

Next, they’re blindfolded and told to use the clay in front of them to mold something that reminds them of Tayshia. Blake takes the bait and molds a boner. DEAR GOD. Spencer makes a pizza and I don’t know the relationship to Tayshia but suddenly I love Spencer.

Last, the guys are instructed to make a self portrait. I guess they were really given creative freedom, because none of their creations are pictures of their faces. Instead, they’re an array of art projects that allow each man to give a very heart-felt speech about what love means to him. It gets real real. Sounds cheesy, but these dudes are all extremely vulnerable and it’s extremely touching to hear some of their stories.

So much so that Tayshia runs out of the room at the end to have a good cry in the hallway.

I guess I should mention that Ben decided to do his speech totally naked. No one’s face was more awkward than Blake’s, the one who molded a boner earlier in the day. There’s just a lot to unpack here but it’s time to move on. 

That night, Ben shares with Tayshia that he had an eating disorder for 10 years. Wow. That’s not something men talk much about. Props to Ben for being honest. He’s sweet. Could’ve done without the nude speech, but sweet.

He gets the group date rose. But before she leaves the all-around fantastic, drama-free group date, Tayshia pointedly says to Bennett and Noah that she can sense they have beef between them and she’s “going to get to the bottom of it.” i.e. producers were looking for a way to sneak in a 2-on-1 date and asked Tayshia to stir the pot.

As the guys prepare to head home after Bennett and Noah bicker for a few minutes over Tayshia’s ominous announcement, I yet again feel drawn to Spencer. Does anyone else think he’s Christmas elf hot? Like, a good looking dude, but if he was an elf, he’d be like…a SUPER hot elf.

Tis the season. 

Eazy gets the one-on-one date! I want to be excited but the way they’re cutting his confessional interviews to profess love for Tayshia and then all of Tayshia’s interviews talk about how there’s only a friend-connection at this point, I realize Eazy has been friend-zoned and he’s about to be crushed. I want to fast-forward. I don’t want to watch this. I love Eazy. 

They walk through a haunted portion of La Quinta with questionable historical “proof” of ghosts and Eazy’s screams are hilarious. He’s a fun guy. 

They barely sit down for dinner before Eazy tells Tayshia he’s falling for her. Oh no. Here we go.

With less emotion than I expected, Tayshia simply tells him she doesn’t feel the same way and walks him out. He is in utter shock, as are all the other guys back at the house when his suitcase rolls away, because everyone thought he had one of the strongest connections with Tayshia. Ugh it kills me when he quietly says to her “Are you sure?” on his way out. Ugh. Eazy you’ll find so much love on Paradise next summer. 

The next day, Jo Jo arrives at the contestant villa to inform them that prior to the rose ceremony cocktail party, Tayshia would like to have a 2-on-1 date with Noah and Bennett. SURPRISE SURPRISE.

Here’s the gist: Bennett and Noah are both absolutely correct for the reasons they can’t stand each other. Noah is, in fact, a teenage boy with an annoying personality. Bennett is, in fact, a condescending and arrogant know-it-all. And yet I somehow still like Bennett because I think he enjoys being a caricature of ivy league pretension. 

I think it’s pretty obvious Bennett will be the one heading home since he tells the camera that he “crushes life under pressure,” but we don’t get to find out until next week. Instead, we get to watch five minutes of Bennett presenting a “gift” to Noah as a “peacemaker” while they sit in their suits waiting for Tayshia. Noah is as skeptical as I am as Bennett first pulls out a red bandana to signify the first conversation they had when they both related to living a country-boy life. Next he pulls out socks with mustaches on them to half-joke about Noah’s mustache (RIP). Finally he gets to the meat, which is a book on Emotional Intelligence.

Taylor from that one season I can’t remember (Nick’s?) jumps out of her seat, suddenly thrilled to be relevant again, even if only as a distant reference.

Bennett explains to Noah that he’s missing 3 out of the 4 components to Emotional Intelligence. By gifting this book, Bennett might be missing a component or two, as well, but that’s not the point. 

At this point everyone is ready for Tayshia to come in and send someone home (Bennett). Bennett’s kind of like a bottle or two of red…super fun to be around for awhile, but at some point stops being fun and instead becomes a headache. She shows up and listens to them bicker for a few minutes before suddenly saying, “Um, what’s in the box?” while noticing the present. That won’t go well for Bennett.

TO BE CONTINUED.