Bachelorette Recap, Tayshia, Ep. 5: Steve Jobs is Sexy

I flinched in the opening preview of this week’s episode when I saw that we’d ALREADY have to sit through a Dale and Clare reunion. Can we not move on? Have you not put us through enough??

But I’ll stay because Tayshia is a goddess and I believe in redemption.

Last week we were left with the cliffhanger of Tayshia about to reveal herself to the men. Not in the dress-with-no-front kind of way–in fact her front is entirely covered, which is a really unique look in Bachelor Nation!–but in the “they don’t know who’s about to walk in” kind of way.

When she rounds the corner, all 16 men literally look like it’s Christmas morning. (Which it also looks like in my house because last year I broke my usual rule of no Christmas decor until after Thanksgiving, and now there’s no going back. Our tree went up on November 11. GET AT ME.) 

As the men shoot glances at each other like “We just upgraded!”, Tayshia does a little dance about having a bomb-ass summer and suddenly I’m reminded that Covid made us all feel like summer didn’t exist but Tayshia brought the sunshine!!! Yes, Tayshia! 

During her one-on-one time with each guy, they all tell her that they’re already more excited about her than they were about Clare (Clare I hope you’re not watching this), and then tell the camera that Tayshia is their future wife. Honestly, I think Tayshia is MY future wife! Her smile! Her humor! Her confidence! Is this what love feels like…?

Brendan is wearing a black turtleneck and the guys call him Steve Jobs and I just want to point out that that’s very clever and it makes me like this group of guys.

After an hour or so of good feelings and normalcy, Chris Harrison grabs Tayshia to tell her that there are more men arriving to meet her! You deserve more than 16 men, Tayshia! So you also get the backup guys we had locked in their rooms this whole time in case one of the original men tested positive for Covid! 

Backup status aside, Tayshia is pleased with the new guys. I was expecting a solid 10, but there are only four. Spencer is classic good-looking and a total douche canoe but naturally Tayshia digs him. I’m 0% concerned that she won’t figure it out. She’s a smart girl. Noah has a mustache and it’s a stark reminder at how quickly a mustache can turn a normal looking guy into a 1970s serial killer. There were two other guys but so far they’re about as memorable as the other guys from Clare’s season (minus Bennett and Eazy).

Speaking of Clare’s other guys, I’m learning so much about them! All of a sudden they have names and personalities! Before tonight, I just saw them as one giant blob titled “The Others.”

Can I just say for a moment that I’m really proud of the editors? They could’ve turned the whole night into the drama about all the guys hating new guy Spencer, but instead we get to see real relationships begin to form! Almost like how the show was designed and the reason in became so popular to begin with! Yesss gimme those roots! Ben dances with her and it’s sweet! She has major chemistry with Zac C! Kenny with the neck tats was in a band?? Wow who knew? 

This is nice. I’m smiling.

I mean, it wouldn’t be The Bachelorette if Tayshia didn’t give the first impression rose to the slimiest dude in the house– Spencer– but I’m okay with it. He’s such a classic SoCal dude with his slightly effeminate voice and his jokes that are borderline offensive like when he said he’d push Tayshia into the ocean, but she’ll figure out pretty quickly that he’s annoying AF so let her have her fun to start. He’s got a nice smile. It’s okay Tayshia.

I’m offended that we haven’t seen Eazy interact with her yet.

Tayshia cancels the rose ceremony so she can have more time getting to know the guys since, you know, she now only has 4 weeks to marry one of them and is actually trying to take this seriously. The guys are shocked that she’s putting so much effort into getting to know them after Clare was a vacant ghost around anyone but Dale. It’s like Opposite Day!

NO GOD NO It can’t be time for the Clare and Dale reunion!

I’m going to give it one sentence: Clare is madly in love with Dale and Dale thinks Clare is alright and she wants babies and he wants to get married first and I wish them the best of luck.

Tayshia’s first group date:

“Here’s to a second shot at love. – Tayshia”

Sorry I didn’t write down the names of the guys going because I got out of the habit of writing down anyone’s name except for Dale.

As the group date men approach the pool, Tayshia emerges from underwater in slow motion wearing her orange promo bikini and literally every single man swallows 7 gallons of their own saliva and uses every ounce of power to rush blood back to their brain and look at her face. 

She puts on a wrap to help them turn back into humans and then everyone hops in the pool with the novelty floats because we just can’t shake that trend from 2015. If I have to see one more flamingo float…

Chris Harrison is putting in some WORK this season showing up at each and every date. Guess there’s not much else to do at La Quinta. He breaks them up into two teams for some basketball in the pool that I guess is called Splash Ball. Is this a real sport? Is this like trampolining in the Olympics and I just didn’t know about it?

The guys don blue and green speedos and flashbacks of Clare’s strip dodgeball date flashes through everyone’s mind. It’s too soon! TOO SOON!

Why did I enjoy the game so much? Like, why was I on the edge of my seat waiting to see if someone would score? This is the most into a sport I’ve ever been. Maybe Splash Ball is my thing.

The blue team wins but not before Riley and give Spencer a bloody lip by accident. Is it even a group date without blood? He’s fine Tayshia. 

The winning team gets some burgers and dogs with Tayshia, but everyone gets to come back for the cocktail party because, again, Tayshia is actually trying to get to know the guys in order to choose a husband. What a concept!!

Tayshia’s haircut is giving me life at the cocktail party. Very Rachel from Friends. I want that bounce! 

FINALLY we see her chat with Eazy and these two are cuuuuute together! So much chemistry! So many giggles. Oh I love this. I just love it. I used to tune into The Bachelor in high school to see people fall in love and I’m telling you, this is like the good old days.

She’s also super cute with Zac C again and definitely likes the older guy vibe. I get that. She tells him she likes him because he’s a man and she doesn’t have time to teach a boy how to be a man and I am feeling all UP in my girl power! Snap snap yes.

Kenny and Riley kinda pick some beef with Spencer, who’s trying to bring back the Hawaiian shirt, but we only have to endure 30 seconds of it, and for that I’m grateful. I’m so done with dumb house drama.

Eazy gets the group date rose and none of the guys can be mad about it because it’s freakin’ Eazy man! You can’t not love Eazy!

That night, a cute circle of bromance chats by the pool, helping Jason with the demons from Clare’s one-on-one date sort through his feelings. He thinks he fell in love with Clare. Spending a whole night talking about your emotions by a bonfire will do that. He decides to leave. The guys give him moral support and pep talks. It’s adorable. 

He tells Tayshia the situation and she is sad because, again, she likes older guys. But she’ll be just fine. By Jason! You are so cute!

The next morning is her one-on-one with Steve Jobs Brendan! She shows up riding a horse and pulling another one alongside her and frankly that looks like too much for one small human to handle. She gets both horses only as far as a batch of palm trees in the corner of the courtyard where the guys are sitting, then without getting down asks Brendan to hop on up.

They ride around La Quinta with Chris Harrison getting paid double to bolt to his electric scooter between greeting them with ice cream, margs, and coconuts at every turn. He’s no Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, but what’re you gonna do?

Brendan and Tayshia have undeniable chemistry, which surprises me because I thought Brendan had the personality of a fly before Tayshia showed up. Not in a mean way, but just because Clare brought out exactly 0 good qualities in any of the guys.

They makeout in a pool with their horses tied up nearby, and Tayshia is smitten. She says she’s ready to go home with this man! TAYSHIA I’M NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF STRONG LANGUAGE. PTSD. My gracious.

At dinner, Brendan talks about how he’s not the hottest guy in the house but he’s “well rounded” and then makes the joke that being well rounded isn’t that sexy…and suddenly he’s SO FUNNY and definitely sexy and I’m shipping this big time.

Brendan then works up the courage to confess to Tayshia that he was married and divorced once before to his high school sweetheart. The breaking point was when she said she didn’t want kids. Tayshia comforts him by telling him she has been divorced too, and she wants FIVE kids! This works out very well for the two of them. He gets the rose and they end the evening with some fireworks! 

Next week: Ashley I and Jared arrive! Wells! OMG! The gang’s all here. I’m ready!! I’m in such a good mood. Tayshia is putting me in high spirits. ROUND OF APPLAUSE for our new Bachelorette!