Bachelorette Recap, Clare, Ep. 4: Harry Potter Has a Sister

Chris Harrison just told us that this is an episode we won’t believe, but Chris. I really will believe it. I’ve believed it since four months ago when all of Instagram told me to believe it. This is an episode that–trust me–Bachelor Nation will definitely believe. 

Clare’s back at it in her dollar section Target journal writing hearts around Dale’s name because while she’s the oldest Bachelorette in history, she is 12 on the inside. And honestly not a day over 22 on the outside, so shout out to her botox team and her workout regimen. 

Chris Harrison can smell a lead performing contemplation techniques a mile away and takes that as his cue to pop in for a quick heart-to-heart. He pulls up a chair to Clare’s couch because the man knows a thing or two about angles and wasn’t about to let the moment he fires Clare be shot in a closed profile. 

Ominously, but as gently as possible because he values his life, he tells Clare that “we cannot continue down the path we’re currently on.” Notice there’s not even a flicker of panic in Chris’ face as this season falls apart in front of him, because he knows Tayshia’s already lined up. The goal of this convo is to get Clare to think she’s quitting for love, but in reality it’s him kicking her out so they can stop paying for Tayshia’s extra room. This is like a lesson in HR: How to Fire Someone 101. Like that movie Up in the Air. Chris Harrison is basically George Clooney. But we already knew that.

Clare swears on her dead father that she and Dale did not communicate before the show and this feels like a rather intense way to claim your innocence…a bit Bill Clintoney in the passionate delivery of her defense, but I don’t care enough about whether or not she talked to Dale before the show to care all that much. 

Chris expertly delivers the line they all came up with a few days earlier: “Congratulations, you just blew up The Bachelorette,” then gives Clare a hug that says “Thanks for making this season memorable because otherwise it’s just a bunch of people stuck in a random hotel in California,” and hurries off to lead the remaining guys on one last night of frustration.

They all know that Clare isn’t interested in them. But Chris doesn’t want to tell them she quit just yet. No, no, sit in those feelings just a bit longer, gentlemen. Let it brew. Let it simmer. He tells them the rose ceremony is canceled (more brewing! More simmering!), then cryptically asks Dale to step outside with him. 

Dale prepares for his sudden one-on-one date with Clare, unaware that she’s about to cancel the show for him. She greets him in the red dress that Rachel Lindsay wore in her Bachelorette promo, and waits about 5 minutes before telling him that she’s falling in love with him. 

Dale looks confused.

Clare goes on to talk about her parents, Lily and James, and immediately the crossover of Bachelor Nation and Harry Potter fanatics goes wild. Who knew Harry had an older sister?? Why did JK Rowling not tell us?? Are they going to name their son Sirius? I mean this line must run in the family, because it’s exactly what Clare has been saying this whole time, too:

Anyway, Dale slowly composes himself and tells Clare he’s falling in love with her, too. On the way back to the Presidente suite for a night of making little Sirius babies, they take a quick pitstop in a courtyard where Listen to Your Heart Bachelor spinoff winners Chris and Bri give them a private concert, but Clale (Dare?) only makes it through half a song before dipping out. Their hormones are not patient.

The next morning, Dale and Clare lay unclothed in bed, which is something I never get more comfortable with seeing. At least I usually have twice the amount of time to brace myself for postcoital snuggling on national television, so this one makes me even more squirmy than usual. I breathe a sigh of relief when Dale climbs out of bed and is wearing his khaki shorts. 

Clare asks him if he’s thought about what’s next, and he says, “I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it.” I quickly scan Clare’s eyes for flashing red, but instead I just see rose-colored glasses, so she only lightly scolds him and he avoids what would’ve been his first (definitely not last) earful from his…girlfriend? Future wife? 

Clare quickly showers, gives Chris Harrison a PG-13 rundown of the night, then prances off to tell the guys that she’s cancelling the rest of the season to be with Dale. We see shock and annoyance on their faces, mostly sad at the thought of not getting Insta famous from the show…very little sadness about Clare leaving. Everyone hugs her and tells her they’re happy for her before she leaves, then spend the rest of the afternoon smack-talking her. I don’t blame them.

Dale sits down with Chris Harrison to express how thrilled he is that there’s no pressure in his relationship with Clare. Chris practically claps his hands at this ideal transition into his news for Dale: Yeah, so, she broke up with all the other guys this morning and now you are expected to propose to her. TONIGHT.

Dale looks like he might faint. I think he’s into Clare, but getting engaged after 8 days wasn’t really his master plan. 

We get a full 10 minutes of Clare freaking out that Dale won’t show up to their engagement. Nonetheless, she puts on a white gown because this girl is ALWAYS one step ahead, and waits for him in front of a fireplace. After pacing for a few minutes, Chris shows up with some “news” for Clare. She’s about to lose it. Then all he says is, “We just want you to know that the whole team is so happy for you.”

Effing Chris Harrison man.

Next, Dale walks up with the ring box Neal Lane overnighted. Beggars can’t be choosers. You get what you get. 

Clare gives her speech first because in case you’re new to Bachelor Nation, the power party always speaks second. This is the first time ever that the Bachelorette is not the power party. She’s the one hoping Dale will like her as much as she likes him, not the other way around. Therefore she has to put all her feelings out there first so he can either shoot her down or tell her what she wants to hear. Very healthy relationship stuff.

Anyway, Dale takes the leap. He gets down on one knee, and Clare literally physically pushes him down to stay there until the ring is fully on her finger. He tried to stand up to put it on after she said “yes,” but she shoved him right back down because this is going to go down EXACTLY as she envisions it GOSH DARN IT.

Remember that one time she got engaged 4 years ago? Apparently she doesn’t either. She keeps repeating “Is this happening???” and so does everyone else in the world.

They’re immediately escorted off the property so Tayshia can start unpacking her things. Chris Harrison takes this opportunity to go inform the other guys that Dale proposed. They feel bad for him.

Chris gives the guys a few hours to decide if they want to stay for a “new chance at love” or go home because they’re not emotionally ready to get over Clare. They don’t know who the new Bachelorette will be, but 16/16 guys stay. I hope Clare’s not too offended when she watches this back.

The guys put on their best suits and gather to meet their new Bachelorette. Chris Harrison’s intro speech for her even gets ME excited! Yes Tayshia is smart! She is stunning! She is charismatic! Yes! Tayshia! Tayshia! Tayshia!

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK!

I can’t wait to see the guys’ reactions. My money is on Eazy losing his mind with approval.