Bachelor Recap, Matt, Ep. 2: Most Valuable Bride

They’re trying to Martin Scorsese this season by opening each episode with a dramatic scene that takes place somewhere near the end of each episode and I’m not sure this tactic makes any sense. Like, we’re clearly already brainwashed by you, Bachelor Franchise. You don’t need to hook us. We’re here whether we like it or not.

The real beginning of the episode is a montage of Matt loping around the extensive running path through wheat fields and flower patches (again, can’t help but compare it to the minute courtyard paths of La Quina), followed by a Peloton ride (sponsor?) and an outdoor shower. Much flexing of the abs took place in the shower. Was it natural? No. Did I hate it? Also no.

The girls move into their digs, which is a common space with bright pink couches while their rooms are all along some hallway within the resort. It’s not the mansion, but it’ll do.

Even though this season has more women than ever before, producers decided to only offer one group date for the first week, and two one-on-ones. This makes no sense but again, I’m watching whether I like it or not. 

First one-on-one date card:

“Bri, Love is an adventure. -Matt”

Called it. I knew Bri peaked his interest when she was the first one out of the limo! The girls all congratulate her, except Victoria, who is working hard this season at flushing out as many viewers as possible. Only diehard Bachelor junkies will remain and put up with the sound of her voice. When the other girls try to console her by saying it’s normal to feel jealous, she goes, “I’m not jealous. I’m just not happy for her because she got what I want!” Anyone have a dictionary they can lend her real quick?

Matt takes Bri four-wheeling. I’m momentarily unable to focus on their riding skills because I cannot move past Bri’s sweatshirt tied around her neck/shoulder like an a-symetrical backpack. Listen, I love me some fashion, but try-hard is try-hard and there’s no way I can get behind fancy ways to tie up your sweatshirt that remind me of backpacks we used in 2007.

So anyway. Eventually Matt asks Bri if she trusts him like he’s Aladdin and she’s Princess Jasmine about to hop on the magic carpet, except this time Aladdin crashes the magic carpet. Yes. After a few too many donuts in the mud, Matt accidentally flips the ATV and he and Bri go flying off into the mud. I do not know how they were so lucky to land safely and not perish, but producers were about to put their insurance lawyers to good work. (Are insurance lawyers a thing? I know nothing.)

Matt’s pretty adorable because the first thing he tells the camera is that he’s horrified at what Bri’s mom must think about him not protecting her daughter well enough, and I love me a man who takes moms into consideration. We are a fragile bunch when it comes to the safety of our bear cubs.

Bri is extremely chill about her expensive white sneakers and name brand jeans being 100% stained in mud. She’s even more chill about it once they roll up to the wood burning hot tub in the middle of a field and Matt takes off his shirt to chop some logs. Forgiveness granted.

As they makeout in the hot tub, we get a glimpse of Queen Victoria losing her mind back at the house. I tune out and heat up my tea because I’m 99% sure this girl is an actress.

Bri’s dress for the night portion redeems the try-hard sweatshirt move. A cream tea-length silk slip paired with a leather jacket is classy but cool. I do not want to see the usual ice dance costumes we usually see on these girls. (Clearly I’ve started following too many fashion bloggers on Instagram– forgive my know-it-all tone as I currently sit in my sweatshirts and leggings.)

At dinner, we learn that Bri’s mom got pregnant with her at age 13 (I did the math, and that means her mom is currently only 37 years old omgggg I pray Bri makes it to hometowns so we can meet her!). Clearly having such a young mom comes with struggles, and Bri and Matt bonded over never having a traditional family unit. I appreciate Bachelor World continuing the trend of showing real conversations like they did on Tayshia’s season. Proud of you, producers! Bri gets the rose and they makeout under the fireworks while the other girls pout back in the house as they see each firework erupt.

The group date is next with EIGHTEEN contestants including Victoria because producers can only improve so much at a time.

I’m not going to list out the names of the girls on the date card because it’s an outrageously long list.

Someone tell me how they got 18 matching clear umbrellas for the girls so quickly–are these Nemacolin umbrellas?? I bet La Quinta doesn’t provide fashionable umbrellas, just saying.

The gaggle of contoured fashionistas in white sneaks march up a hill and spot Bachelor Nation’s favorite photographer, Franco, wearing a hot pink suit with an ostrich feather cloak. As you do. Franco and Matt tell them that they’ll each put on a wedding dress to take wedding photos with Matt.

Luckily all 18 girls are sample size [insert eye roll] so they all bolt off to the racks of size 2 dresses hanging in a nearby warehouse to get ready for their big moment. Sad for half of them, only like 10 girls get their photoshoot with Matt before Chris Harrison interrupts and tells them the date is taking a hard left turn. This show never claimed to be equal opportunity. 

Now it’s time to trash these dresses in a game of Capture the Flag! Except it’s capture the Heart. A fluffy stuffed heart. You know, like Matt’s. Half of the girls are hard core gym lovers and half look like they might throw up at the thought of physical competition.

In the end, not a single white sneaker survived (because this version of Capture the Flag also included some sort of paint battle and cake fight..?) and the red team wins. Mari wins MVB (Most Valuable Bride) and gets to join the winning team for an evening cocktail party with Matt. The other girls sulk back home. Quote of the night “My boobs are covered in paint and cake and I’m just TIRED.” *Sentences you never thought you’d say.*

More concerning, however, is that the losers arrive back to their digs and SIT ON THE RESORT FURNITURE WHILST COVERED IN PAINT. Is it just because I have a toddler at home who would absolutely sit on furniture whie covered in paint that this stresses me out so much?? Like, how is this okay?? What will come of the couch cushions??

Nothing else interesting happens on the group date during the cocktail party except he gives the rose to an absolutely STUNNING girl named Lauren. I know nothing about her except that she is truly perfect-looking. Wow.

The second one-on-one date goes to Sarah. 

“Sarah, The sky’s the limit. -Matt”

Sarah wears a suuuuuuper cute reddish chocolate sherpa with leather lining that I NEED, but alas I need to save for my kids to go to college someday. They take a ride in that open-top airplane Matt “arrived” to Nemacolin in, and Sarah is majorly freaked out. Convertibles in the sky are not her thing. She leans over to Matt and says, “At least if we go down, we go down together.” Matt replies, “I can live with that.”

Uh. Actually you can’t live with that, Matt. Like, you’d literally do the opposite of living.

They attempt to have some awkward conversation around a campfire after the plane ride, but producers have clearly told Sarah that she can’t talk about anything of substance until the dinner portion of the date, so she has no idea what to say. 

At dinner, she finally explains to Matt that her dad has ALS and that’s why she stepped away from her job as a journalist– to be a caregiver. She’s also not a vulnerable person by nature, which I cannot relate to whatsoever because I could share a deep moment with literally anyone– just ask any girl who’s ever run into me in a bathroom at a bar. Alas, Sarah impresses Matt by opening up, so she gets the rose.

At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, Victoria creates some drama with her ex-roommate Marylynn who would have zero airtime this season if it wasn’t for Victoria randomly deciding to hate her, so Marylynn should maybe be less tearful and more grateful to have a shot at being cast on Paradise. Anyway, I don’t understand or care about the drama at all, but I DO care about Victoria’s dress having puffer sleeves paired with drawstring ruching on the miniskirt that looks pulled from the rejected sales pile at Forever 21. Again, forgive my sudden urge to judge everyone’s fashion, but for real.

Victoria tells Marylynn they’re like “oil and vinegar” but I believe the saying is “oil and water.” It’s fine. Doesn’t matter.

Roses go to:

Piper

Kit

Maggie

Rachael

Abigail

Chelsea

Jessenia

Katie

Serena C

Suddenly Sarah begins to faint in the back row, and Bri helps her go sit down where an off-duty camera man quickly hops off the couch but not quick enough.

Matt begins to walk over to see what’s going on and calls for a medic.

The working cameramen all have seizures as well, apparently, because panning gently to the right is out of the question. Instead they all drop and shake their cameras like something violent is happening as they attempt to keep Matt onscreen as he makes his way 15 feet across the room. OH THE DRAMA.

…TO BE CONTINUED

I guess we’ll find out that Matt lets Victoria stay next week…ope, nope, we find out right now in the teasers. Great. See you then!