Bachelor Recap, Colton, Ep. 4: Sisterly Love

Hannah B says she’s starting off this week emotionally exhausted. SAME. I don’t know how much more pageant drama I can handle, but at the same time I’m heavily invested in Team Carolina.

Chris Harrison greets the women on a lazy morning in the Bachelor Mansion, immediately calling Hannah B “Caelynn”– a sure way to start this beautiful day on the right foot. Chris was just throwing shade because he hosts the Miss America Pageant, not the Miss USA Pageant.

Hannah B corrects him before telling the entire room that “someone said mean things about me so I had a bad week.” The level of awkward was pretty high, but not as high as later on this episode when I had to hide beneath my shirt. This is me actively preparing myself to write about Colton and Cassie’s “sibling” interaction on the group date.

Anyway, Chris lets the ladies know they are heading to Singapore! Dang, straight to international travel. I thought for sure they’d head to somewhere in Utah or New Hampshire to ease into things.

Hannah G aka Marsha Brady doesn’t know where Singapore is, but then again, I went to Singapore when I was 16 and I barely know where it is. So I’m not mad at her for asking.

Do you think they watched Crazy Rich Asians on the flight over? I hope so.

Colton describing Singapore: “It’s so beautiful. All the lights. All the buildings.”

Someone please name a single first-world country that doesn’t have lights and buildings. I’ll wait.

In their crop tops and white overalls that they seemingly flew across the world wearing, the ladies huddle around for the first Singapore date card in their first penthouse of the season.

“Tayshia, let’s fall in love. – Colton”

Tayshia thought they were going to go to a romantic waterfall. lololololol

Obviously they’re going bungee jumping. I would never ever bungee jump, even in the name of love. And I really would never ever bungee jump if it was from a steel contraption on a beach in Singapore. Like, if I’m going to fling myself into oblivion and face death head-on, I’m only going to do it off a gorgeous cliffside or dangly bridge overlooking a ravine.

Tayshia is down with dying on a white sandy beach in Singapore, though, so I guess I need to let her make her own choices.

Colton is far more scared than Tayshia, which is fair because there might be a weight limit on this thing. Tayshia is in the general weight of most Chinese people. Colton is double the size of anyone else in the entire country.

They both survive. They celebrate by making out in the bay, and HolyMotherOfPearl Tayshia has giant boobs, which are *firmly* on display in her red one piece bathing suit. That night, she tells Colton she got divorced from her high school sweet heart last year, which I definitely didn’t see coming, but it was the kick off to my new drinking game called Drink Whenever Colton Says “I know that’s not easy to talk about.”

Group date:

• Hannah G

• Elyse

• Kirpa

• Sydney

• Heather

• Onyeka

• Tracy

• Nicole

• Demi

• Courtney

• Katie

• Cassie

• Hannah B

“Lets get a taste of Singapore –Colton”

The ladies take the date card very seriously because they all show up in bib necks.

Colton tells the camera he doesn’t like to date in front of others.

Cut to Colton giving Demi a piggyback ride in front of the other girls.

Some producer or intern decided the girls should all put leeches on their bodies, then eat fish eyeballs. Hannah B sees the eyeballs as her chance to stand out. Add this to the list of things I won’t do to impress a guy, right after bungee jumping.

Hannah B and Courtney are simultaneously having the exact same breakdown, convinced that Colton likes the other 12 women on the date more than he likes one of them. Hannah B is just insecure, meanwhile Courtney has good instincts.

Before they leave the market, Colton and Cassie get a palm reading, which reveals that they were brother and sister in a former life.

Tracy takes the culture very seriously and decides to wear a kimono to the night portion of the date. Every politically correct bone in my body is screaming.

Normally I would not suggest wearing a hot pink satin jumpsuit, but I must say Hannah B looks v v pretty in one. She immediately talks to Colton about Caelynn, and I’m about to take a bathroom break because I can’t handle it anymore, but the moment passes quickly.

Cassie and Colton clearly have one of the most natural connections, but the collar on my shirt is permanently stretched out. They turned their “siblings in a past life” palm reading into dirty talk and I have never been more uncomfortable in my entire life.

“Would your sister kiss you like that?” – Cassie

“That’s not a kiss a sister would give.” – Colton

In all fairness, he hasn’t had much experience in dirty talk.

A lot of weird things happen on this group date, another being that I fell in love with Demi. Drink again because Colton says “I know that’s not easy to talk about” when Demi tells him her mom got out of federal prison this week.

When Demi returns to the group, Courtney is busy complaining that Colton hasn’t talked to her yet. Demi encourages her to initiate with him, then walks off and thanks Colton for their conversation about her mom. Instead of finding Colton, Courtney decides to initiate with Demi instead, finding her alone in a room upstairs. She gives Demi a condescending lecture and I keep waiting for her to bring up emotional intelligence.

The group date rose goes to Demi.

The next one-on-one date is for Caelynn, Miss Carolina. She looks so pretty, omg. The date card is delivered by a little man in a top hat.

“I’ve been waiting for this special day for so long. Meet me downstairs .- Colton”

It’s the Pretty Woman date, y’all!

Actual footage of Caelynn and Hannah B:

Colton and Caelynn take a Rolls Royce (idk what it was but it was a fancy car) to the local mall to pick out a ridiculous amount of new clothes. Obviously Caelynn looks hot in everything because she’s stunnnnning. Colton tells the camera that he “feels an intense energy that I can’t contain.” It’s called sexual tension, Colton.

Producers make Caelynn go back to the penthouse to show off all of her shopping bags and receive dirty looks before changing and meeting him for the night portion of the date. She chooses an emerald green gown, then leaves the rest of the clothes to be cut into tiny pieces by the rest of the girls.

At dinner, she tells Colton that she was drugged and raped in college. The whole story is horrifying. It happened at a college only two hours away from me, which makes it hit even closer to home. He handles it beautifully, of course starting by saying “I know that’s not easy to talk about.” (DRINK!)

He expresses that part of the reason he’s a virgin is because his first love (referring to Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman) was sexually abused, which created intimacy issues in their relationships. It was an extremely honest and real conversation for both Caelynn and Colton. I was glad ABC chose to air it.

Do you know who sexual intimacy is not an issue for? Hannah G aka Marsha Brady. In a jarring shift in gears, we’re thrust (literally) into the rose ceremony cocktail party the next evening, starting with a hot and heavy make out session between Colton and Hannah G in his bed.

“He acknowledged me in the BIGGEST way tonight.” – Hannah G

Caelynn is wearing one of her new dresses from Colton and pulls aside arch rival Hannah B, who is wearing a gown she bought for a local pageant.

They clear the air and agree to be cool, which is the most mature thing to ever happen on this show.

Demi and Courtney spend their time with Colton bashing each other, and I’m firmly Team Demi at this point. She even gives Courtney room to grow, saying “She might potentially not suck someday, but right now, she SUCKS.”

I know Courtney is doomed the second Colton gives her a butt-out hug, which he mastered in “I’m still a virgin” school.

Roses go to:

• Hannah G aka Marsha Brady

• Heather, Never Been Kissed

• Kirpa

• Hannah B, Miss Alabama

• Katie

• Elyse the red-headed cougar

• Sydney

• Cassie Colton’s sister

• Nicole

• Onyeka

Demi is in paradise (wait, not until this summer) because this means Courtney and cougar-Tracy gets the boot. I can’t tell if Tracy is surprised because her eyebrows already reach the top of her forehead.

Next week it looks like Colton gives the one-on-one to his sister, then hooks up with Elyse. At least that’s what the teaser suggests, which means all of that will absolutely not happen.

PS- Right now, my prediction for Top 4 are Cassie, Caelynn, Hannah G, and either Hannah B OR Tayshia. To me, Cassie, Caelynn, and Hannah G are pretty obvious frontrunners. Agree? (NO SPOILERS PLEASE)