Bachelorette Recap, Rachel, Ep. 7: A Game of Kiss, Marry, Kill

More excuses for late recaps: Our AC went out, our home insurance wanted to drop us because 3 out of 4,379 shingles on our roof are curling, my husband had a promotion ceremony (Lieutenant Commander…hot title, right?), and I’ve been very busy with my real job. But I did manage to find time to buy Aaron this t-shirt:

Alrighty, let’s do this.The girls from Farmer Chris’ season definitely have a running group text complaining about how they got ripped off in comparison to this season. Remember how they didn’t travel internationally at ALL until the proposal location? Meanwhile, Rachel’s final six take a yacht through Geneva with the Swiss Alps glowing in the background…and they weren’t even on a group date. That little excursion was just a joy ride for some bro time on the way to greet Rachel in the grand suite of their hotel.

Eric tells the camera that he can’t wait to see “Big Rach,” which is a nickname that provokes a strong reaction within me. Listen, if my husband has any interest in getting some, he better know better than to call me “Big Shan.” That’s all I’ve got to say.

Rachel sweeps into their hotel suite wearing white flowing pants and a turtleneck with coattails. I am a huge sucker for all white ensembles, so I was living for this outfit. She tells them that there will be three one-on-ones this week, a three-on-one, and no Rose Ceremony. You either get a rose on your date, or you go home. Ah, just what every man loves in relationships: Pressure!

Do you know what else is feeling the pressure? The crotch seam on Peter’s salmon colored skinny jeans. He has a foot up on the ottoman, and you can see his whitey tighties through a small rip. I don’t hate it.

Adam assumes he’ll get a one-on-one since he hasn’t had one yet. Aw, Adam, it’s cute that you think you have a chance if you’ve made it this far without a one-on-one. Except it’s not cute, because I still hold your comment about having a threesome in your ABC bio against you.

The first one-on-one goes to: Bryan (note: not Adam) The guys are shocked that Bryan would get another one-on-one so soon after his last one, but maybe they haven’t noticed his perfect skin or smoldering eyes. Dean throws the most shade, saying that Bryan is a 37-year-old man who is just good at wooing women because he’s had so many years of practice playing the field.

Don’t be jealous, Dean.

Don’t get me wrong, Dean is probably very accurate. However, I still refuse to hold Bryan’s personality against him. Yes, is it possibly too good to be true? Sure. But if he’s just an open, touchy feely person by nature, then so be it. And if he says he’s ready to settle down, then I’m choosing to believe it. He hasn’t said or done anything to make me think otherwise. OKAY FINE GUYS I just think he’s really hot. Except WHAT is with all the tongue during makeout sessions?

Oo! Let’s play a game on today’s blog: KISS, MARRY, KILL: BACHELOR EDITION, between Peter, Dean, and Bryan. GO. [I love all three. However, we all must make hard choices in life. I’d kiss Peter, marry Bryan, and kill Dean. Deannnn forgive me ILYSM.]

Bryan’s one-on-one is bougie AF. First, he gets to drive Rachel around the streets of Geneva in a Bentley convertible. As she points out the sights, I urge him to keep his eyes on the road. He and I both know he can’t afford to look.

Bryan tells Rachel he feels “blessed,” and not in an ironic way. Hm. Dean may have a point.

They end up at a watch store, where Rachel “buys him” a fancy leather wrist watch. She insists that she’s buying it for him. Big Rach, let’s keep it 100. You were gifted both watches in exchange for publicity, which obviously didn’t work because I didn’t even write down the name of the store in my notes. Bryan believes that she’s actually buying it for him out of pocket though, possibly because she’s a successful lawyer. We all know Kaitlyn and JoJo wouldn’t have made that scene believable.

His form of thanks is to tackle her onto the booth where they’d been trying on watches, and makeout with her while the store owner uncomfortably retreats.

My favorite part of the afternoon was when Rachel asked him if he liked the watch, which had a black leather wristband, and he said “Yes, I like black.” She smiled real big and said, “DO you??”

I get it.

Next, Brachel (already giving them a nickname because I feel so confident that he’ll win) float around on a shiny wooden boat that probably costs a lot of money before changing clothes to meet for dinner in a pimped out music hall, filled with candelabras and a few well-placed florescent purple lights.

Rachel wears a bandage dress because she likes him.He tells her that his last girlfriend broke up with him because she didn’t like his mom. Rachel decides that this definitely means she needs to find out for herself just how crazy his Colombian mother is, so she gives him the Hometown Rose, and cues the four piece string band to begin playing during their celebratory makeout.

What four piece string band, you ask? Why, the ones hiding throughout the balconies this entire time, of course!

Second one-one-one: Dean (note: not Adam)

Rachel takes Dean to Catholic mass, even though neither of them are Catholic. Doesn’t matter, though, because it gives her an excuse to wear her awesome white dress with classy light blue overcoat. Super Olivia Pope, and I’m loving it.

The conversation was lackluster during their after church tea, but that was 80% editing and 20% because Dean gets nervous opening up. As someone who now spends a large chunk of her week editing footage to present to agents in order to get them to present the talent to major networks, I’ve developed a very keen eye for splicing. Dean saying “you’re pretty” right after Rachel asked him to go deeper was definitely not the order of what happened in real life.

Am I taking the fun out of this? Crap.

I knew Dean would stay because the teasers made it look like she’d send him home. He explained to her that the reason he was “off” earlier in the day is because he is nervous about Hometowns. His family is dysfunctional, and he doesn’t want that to scare her away. He gets emotional when he explains that he doesn’t want his future family to be a reflection of his current family. Every straight woman and gay man watching this show fell a little deeper in love with Dean during this moment.

Rachel gives him the rose, and promises that she doesn’t care if his family is out of whack. She’s got her own perfect family, so we good.Last one-on-one: Peter (still not Adam)Peter gets the best date in the history of The Bachelor. They get to take a helicopter over the Swiss Alps, then land on a glacier and go dogsledding. I mean, come ON.

It was a bit confusing because you couldn’t tell if the white in Peter’s hair was ice or his salt and pepper signature look, but either way, they looked like they were having too much fun to fret about their impending frostbite.

Peter tells her that sometimes it’s been so hard on him emotionally to watch her date other men that he’s wanted to go home, but he has chosen to stay because he knows he needs to make it to the end in order to cash in on all those Instagram endorsements. She’s glad he stayed, but wants to warn him that when she chooses Bryan, he’ll really have to duke it out with Dean for the next Bachelor gig. Peter is the frontrunner, but Dean’s performance earlier this episode strongly elevated his chances.

That night, Peter shares a story about breaking a girl’s heart once, which Rachel seems to enjoy a little too much. He admits he’s never brought a black woman home before…mostly because he’s never dated a black woman…but don’t worry, the parents will be totally cool with it.

That was literally Rachel’s only question for him before giving him the rose. As he accepts it, he tells her that he doesn’t use the word “love” lightly, but he can “see this going in that direction.” She’ll take it! Let’s make out on the balcony!

GROUP DATE: Adam, Matt, and EricDo you REALLY need me to spell this out for you? I told you two weeks ago what was going to happen. The good news is that these guys get one last boat ride to France, so I think it’s safe to say that they all got what they came here to get: More stamps on their passport. LOL did you think they signed up for love?

Good thing Eric is black and Matt has no hair, or else we wouldn’t have been able to tell the three of them apart in their matching pea coats. Rachel wears a crop top beneath her overcoat, which is SUCH an impractical juxtaposition, but also she looked super cute.

Once they arrive at the Chateau de Dumpsville, Adam gives a toast about how they want to make her job as easy as possible when it comes to sending them home. I actually thought he was going to volunteer as tribute, but alas, he makes her do the work.

First, she lays the axe down on Matt. She cries hard as she tells him that their relationship would work outside of this environment, but since this is all about falling in love as fast as possible, he just can’t keep up. He sweetly bids her adieu, and prepares to be the labeled the old guy in Paradise. I hope he brings his penguin costume!

The date turns into a two-on-one over dinner. Eric tells her that he’s seen a lot of rough stuff in the hood, which really brings out the pity in her eyes. Her feelings for him are dismal, but she really wants to give him a better chance at becoming the Bachelor because she feels like she owes it to him, so she gives him the rose. Sweet gesture, but her attempts are futile.

Adam goes home because only part of him was falling in love with Rachel, and that part of him was Adam Jr., who’s still back in LA.

The teasers actually give away a LOT about what happens the rest of the season. We see Eric and Bryan both in scenes that are distinctly not their Hometowns, meaning they must make it to the final three. We also see Dean sobbing on the floor after his VERY eccentric father blames him for being a sissy, or something like that. My heart is sad for him already.

Rachel’s family is edited to look like they don’t like Bryan, which means I’m more certain than ever that he will win.LOVE YOU GUYS! Maybe a little Venmo money for iced green tea from Starbies will help me up my punctuality game? It’s worth a shot. Help a sister out <3 @Shannon-Leyko