Bachelor Recap, Colton, Ep. 8: You Can’t Microwave a Relationship

I’ve decided that all of Colton’s shower scenes are just practice for when he has to get as clean as possible in between Fantasy Suites next week. There’s no other logical explanation for why we’re forced to watch water cascade over his hairy feet and patchy chest hair week after week.

Armed with cologne and exactly 2 t-shirts, Colton makes his way to my neck of the woods for Caelynn’s Hometown in Fredericksburg, VA! Or Fred Vegas as we like to say, since its basically a rest stop town on the side of I-95 with all the fast food options you can imagine. You know…like Vegas! For families! In cars!

My best friend from college grew up in Fred Vegas, and it is where I got my second hole pierced in my ear…what happens in Fred Vegas stays in Fred Vegas amiriteeee??? At least it wasn’t a tattoo, Dad.

Anyway, since you’re all wondering, Caelynn and I do have mutual friends, but not from Fred Vegas. I live three hours south of there, where Lauren B’s hometown was with Arie (I’m following Baby Luyendyk very closely on Instagram, btw). Our mutual friends are from Pageant World, even though she was literally 12 when I was competing. I wish that was an exaggeration but it’s not.

Instead of taking Colton to Chick-fil-a, which is what I 100% would’ve done if my Hometown was in Fred Vegas, Caelynn takes him to some historic area where they ride around in a horse and carriage driven by two women in top hats. This is a far cry from the Fred Vegas I know and love. She points out where she used to get her blood drawn as a little girl then takes him to an ice cream shop on the side of a 4 lane boulevard. Romance!

Even though she’s ready to get engaged to him, Caelynn apparently hasn’t told Colton a single thing about her family. It’s crunch time! Her real dad hasn’t been in her life since she was 4, so today he’ll be meeting her stepdad John and her sister who may or may not work in the real Las Vegas based on what I’m seeing, but that’s just an educated guess.

They arrive at a large brick home that I can only assume is an art studio they rented instead of using her real home, and proceed to drink Kool-Aid out of wine glasses– not to be confused with the Kool-Aid Caelynn’s drinking from Colton while she continues to believe he’s going to choose her.

I can’t decide which part of Caelynn’s sisters appearance is most distracting. Is it her giant tatas hanging out of her skin tight crop top? Is it her glitter eyeshadow? Is it the nose ring and shimmer highlighter? This is not a dig at her, by any means. She seems like a fantastic sister, even though she does start laughing outloud when Caelynn says she and Colton like to “get deep.” Now I want a sister.

Caelynn’s stepdad John listens to Caelynn’s explanation for why she’s ready to marry Colton and was like “Actually you described him like you’re just good friends, not like he’s a future husband.” Eek. She distracts John from his skepticism by telling him what a wonderful father he’s been to her. He cries and decides to give Colton his blessing.

Colton and Caelynn wrap up the night by watching home videos of her projected onto a large white wall, which is something every man will tell you he has zero interest in doing. She tells him she’s in love with him. He kisses her because he doesn’t know what to say. For the first time, I’m thinking Caelynn may not be Top 2.

But no time to dwell on Caelynn’s misfortune. We’re off to Birmingham, Alabama to meet Marsha Brady/Hannah G’s family!

Isn’t Birmingham one of the fattest cities in America? How can Hannah G possibly be from there? This makes no sense.

She takes Colton to an etiquette class so he can learn what it means to be a southern gentleman. It’s worth noting that Colton didn’t know you’re supposed to put your napkin in your lap.

Hannah G’s family was by far my favorite. Especially because at the tail end of the episode we get to see her dad dropping a sick beat so that Hannah can rap for the family around the dinner table. But before we even get insight into that enviable family tradition, I just got good vibes.

Her mom looks like the kind of woman I imagine to be on the other side of the phone doing readings in front of a crystal ball. I wanted to listen to her give advice for the rest of my life.

Dad gives his blessing, mom sweats out of loving nerves, Colton and Hannah share “I’m falling in love with you”s. It was a nice night.

Tayshia’s up next, and by up, I mean way way up. In an airplane. She decides to take Colton skydiving in her Hometown of Orange County, CA. I thought Hometowns were to give an idea of where you grew up, but I guess Colton watches enough Real Housewives to already get the gist of the OC. Let’s jump out of a plane instead.

Colton hates heights. Tayshia decides he needs to be blindfolded for the entire car ride to the little airport, which seems unnecessary, but any excuse for a little drama!

The skydiving instructor WINS at life when he tells them that if the backup parachute fails, just follow your tandem instructor toward the bright light at the end of the tunnel. LOLOLOLOLOL. Best dad joke ever.

Colton tells the camera that he’s not ready to die because he hasn’t lost his virginity yet!! My hopes aren’t very high for his survival considering the plane looks like it was built for WWII, but luckily he and Tayshia both live to see another Rose Ceremony.

I don’t know what she said to him as they were talking about meeting her family in the airplane hangar because I was distracted by the fact that she was wearing a necklace that spelled out her entire name in dangly gold charms. This feels a bit narcy, no?

Over at Tayshia’s house, her dad is like WE NEED A SUPERSTAR and her mom is like “orrrrr just someone that will love our daughter.” Every couple has the dramatic one and the level-headed one. I get that.

There are crosses everywhere. Around her mother’s neck. Above the bed (yikes!), and on most walls. Gulp.

Colton’s use of “permission” instead of “blessing” when asking for his girlfriend’s hands in marriage makes me tense up. Tayshia’s dad is tense, too, and he tells Colton “no.”

Tayshia then gets to talk to her dad, who tells her you can’t microwave relationships. I guess he’s more a fan of the crock pot or slow-bake approach. She bats her eyes at dad and asks him to trust her. He ultimately decides she’s right, and tells Colton he has permission after all!

On Tayshia’s couch, Colton looks like Will Ferrell in Elf sitting at the tiny desk. His knees are at this chest and I’m trying to take him seriously as he thanks her father.

Ignore the weird “uh oh”, and just look at where his knees are hitting.

Colton doesn’t want to stop kissing Tayshia when it’s time for him to go, so I’m pretty sure she’s not going home this week.

Last but not least, Cassie in Huntington Beach, CA!

Cassie looks like the epitome of carefree California girl in her bikini. This is the girl that eats bagels and doesn’t wear foundation, but just happens to still have a perfect stomach and defined features. The kind of girl that isn’t afraid to go surfing on national television because she still looks great bare-skinned and sopping wet.

Am I in love with Cassie or is Colton?

Colton decides to wear white sneakers for a day at the beach. It’s at this moment that Cassie realizes she might not be falling in love with him. He doesn’t redeem himself as she tries to teach him to surf, and instead looks like Free Willy flopping in and out of the waves.

Cassie is wearing the same dangly choker as Tayshia but the charms don’t spell her name. I prefer this choice.

They head to her house, and wow Cassie’s dad is intense.

Colton can’t keep his hands off of Cassie, which could help or hurt his impression on the family- not sure which one.

Cassie tells her mom that she’s not sure if she’s falling in love with him yet, but that she is still open to getting engaged to him in 2 weeks. Makes sense! Cassie’s sister reminds her that there are like, a hundred other guys in the world, so don’t sweat it if Colton’s not The One.

If there were only a hundred other guys in the world, single me would be panicking big time.

Cassie’s dad doesn’t give Colton his blessing. Cassie doesn’t tell Colton she’s falling in love with him. Things aren’t looking great. This means Cassie is definitely going to win the whole shabang.

Back in Los Angeles, the four remaining ladies line up for the Rose Ceremony. They’re not in the Bachelor Mansion, so I’m wondering if this was filmed after the LA fires. They’re about to start another one with the amount of lanterns in the white room they rented.

Roses go to:

• Hannah G

• Tayshia

Then Caelynn looks at her bff Cassie and says ffffffff. She quickly reverts to her pageant roots and grabs Cassie’s hand like they’re waiting to hear who will win the crown.

• Cassie

Aaron says that that’s good news for Cassie because how can she and Colton get married if he’s still dating her best friend? So much for my Sister Wives twist.

Next week Chris Harrison says “UNTIL NOW NOBODY KNEW THE TRUTH.” I’m legit curious/excited…but terrible/great news: I will be on a Disney Cruise next week. Nooooooooo. Missing the two-night special with Women Tell All AND the fence jump?? I hope you all will be okay without a week of recaps…unless I have any volunteers who want to write one for me? Seriously, let me know.