Bachelor Recap Pre-Cap: Meet Colton’s Girlfriends

Full disclosure: I’m not a huge Colton fan. But I was a big Arie fan, and look how that turned out, so maybe this will be the best season ever!

I have three major reasons for not loving Colton:

1. He made fun of both Virginia AND Hot Ben in the same interview, and not in a “haha funny” way, so I think he’s arrogant.

2. It was clear to me that he wanted to be the Bachelor from day one on Becca’s season. I like guys who never assume they’re going to become the Bachelor…or are at least better actors when it comes to being surprised it’s them.

3. He seems to lead girls on, like Tia and Aly Raisman, which then leads me on to think that he’s really not ready for a relationship. But I guess being ready for a relationship isn’t always a pre-req for being the Bachelor…let’s be real.

HowEVER, I’m going to give him a chance because he has a nice jaw and big cheeks that remind me of my one year old.

Usually, I’d list all of the girls and my thoughts on them. But I’m writing this while big-cheeked tornado is currently destroying all of the Christmas presents I’d hidden for my husband once he returns from deployment, so you can only expect so much of me, k?

This season, you get thoughts on the six women I think will get the most airtime, based solely on the information I read on abc.com. In the past, I’ve been prettyyyy solid with my predictions, so obviously you should treat these as indisputable prophecy.

Bri, 24, Model, snowboards, openly farts, doing this for the Gram.

Does Lauren Bushnell offer consulting services for Bachelor contestants? Because this girl has Lauren B written all over her. She looks like she’ll be the leader of a clique…and I have a feeling there will definitely be two opposing cliques this season. Regina George, at your service. Except I think she’ll be a secondary villain, not the main one.

Prediction: Top 6-8, sent home on a two-on-one.

Caelynn, 23, Miss North Carolina **USA, can’t cook, loves Napa, basic.

I say basic in the nicest way because I did pageants, can’t cook, and also love Napa. #selflove However EXCUSE ME ABC but she was not Miss North Carolina. She was Miss North Carolina YEW ESS AYYY (USA) okay?? Big difference. Big. Huge. (Not really.) Anyway, I have mutual friends with her and hear she’s super nice and also have you seen her face? She’s hot. Colton will definitely consider the Fantasy Suite with this take-home-to-mom-but-still-sultry bombshell.

Prediction: Top 2.

Demi, 23, Interior Designer, drives Colton’s stick shift, would get down with Jon Snow.

Guys love petite little fairies who enjoy the oudoors. This lil’ fairy seems to have quite a bit of sexual energy, as seen by her goal to have an entirely new squad of Victoria’s Secret angels named after her. One hiccup: She has never modeled for Victoria’s Secret, and also no one wants to be in a squad names after someone else. Anyway, dream big girlfriend. Lauren B Bri will hate her.

Prediction: Top 4. Sent home after hometowns.

Erika, 25, Recruiter, “Can’t gain weight,” wants Demi’s job.

If you’re a girl who brags about how you “can’t gain weight,” then you’re the kind of girl who doesn’t get along with other girls. Know thyself. Know thy things you say that will make other women hate you. And with that, I have a feeling she could be our villain. But a funny villain.

Prediction: Top 6-8.

Hannah B, 23, Miss Alabama USA, football lover, loves country music.

At least they specify “USA” this time. Hannah and Caelynn obviously know each other from competing at Miss USA this year. This makes me wonder if they have an existing rivalry? Friendship? We’re either about to have a new Becca/JoJo, or a new Corinne/Taylor. Either way, this woman is stunning, and Colton won’t be able to help himself when she talks about her traditional values and love of football.

Prediction: Winner.

Tayshia, 28, Phlebotomist, loves Jesus and wine, lives in SoCal.

Wait. You mean to tell me we have a contestant who isn’t a fetus and has a real job?? BLESS. I’m pretty sure this woman will be way too mature for Colton, but he won’t be able to resist her smile or golden skin. We see her a lot because she’s the nice girl who acts as the mediator when all the fetuses start trying to murder each other.

Prediction: Top 10.

GUYSSSS it feels good to be back. Will they start the show with an RIP to the Bachelor Mansion since it burned down in the fires? Will they find another mansion with just as many balconies from which the girls will yell in unison? Will Colton lose his v-card? Does anyone actually care that he’s a virgin?

BRING IT ON, Season 23.

(Wow that means there have now been 23 Bachelors…and still only 1 success story. Way to represent, Sean & Catherine! Am I assuming Colton won’t have success? Yes. Yes I am.)