We Need to Talk About the Next Bachelor: Arie Luyendyk, Jr.

Doesn’t it feel like just yesterday that Whitney Houston passed away? And when Gaby Douglas slayed the Olympics, and her teammate McKayla Maroney was #notimpressed with her silver medal? What about when “Call Me Maybe” was the #1 summer jam? Or when Prince William + Kate announced they were pregnant with lil King George? Is it just me, or do those things not feel that long ago? Right?

THEN WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE EMILY’S SEASON OF THE BACHELORETTE HAPPENED WHEN YOU WERE IN PRESCHOOL.

I’m sorry, but what were you watching in 2012 if not Emily Maynard find love on The Bachelorette?? I remember it vividly, sitting in my one bedroom apartment that I shared with a friend in Washington Heights, NYC. Every Tuesday, I’d watch the previous night’s episode on Hulu since I didn’t have cable and couldn’t watch it in real time. #starvingartist And every Tuesday, I’d imagine what it’d be like to kiss Arie, the hot race car driver whose sex appeal was almost alarming.

He even had a fauxhawk vibe going on with his hair (see above), which I’ve found irresistible ever since watching What a Girl Wants starring Amanda Bynes (see below).

In fact, it was after watching Emily’s season that I even made an audition tape to be on the show in hopes that I’d meet and marry Mr. Arie Luyendyk Jr. Alas, I didn’t send in the tape because it was too embarrassing/I drank too much rum while filming it, and Sean Lowe became the Bachelor anyway. Life! So unpredictable!

Anyway, I’ve not yet talked to anyone else who watched Emily’s season, which makes me feel super sorry for everyone’s sad little lives in 2012. While it seems that most people are very confused by the new leading man for 2018, I, for one, am downright inspired to fill you in on why I am counting down the days until this upcoming season of The Bachelor. I was going to take the season off from recapping since I will be birthing a child literally days before the premier, but a friend suggested I vlog my recaps so it takes less brain power and time. And I think I shall. Arie deserves it.

Listen, for all I know, Arie could end up being the worst Bachelor ever…but actually, no he won’t. There’s absolutely no way he’ll be worse than Juan Pablo. Listen folks, Arie is the best kisser this show has ever seen. Dean looks like a straight up amateur when stacked up next to Arie.

Arie has a little more salt than pepper up top these days, but I count that as a win. He’s now 35, which is right at the threshold of the perfect age (which is 31-35)– that sweet spot where a guy has learned how to treat a woman, but isn’t old enough to A) have developed Peter Pan Syndrome, or B) be too set in his ways to commit.

Arie became BFFs with Sean Lowe on his season, which speaks to his character. Sean is a Grade A dude, and the ONLY BACHELOR EVER IN TWENTY ONE SEASONS to have married his winner. Let that sink in. He’s the only guy EVER on this show to make the right choice and stick with it. Birds of a feather flock together, and if Arie is anything like his buddy Sean, then this may be the success season we’ve all been waiting for. If Arie can think with the head attached to his neck like Sean did, he will be the hero Bachelor Nation wants but doesn’t deserve.

From what I gather, Arie has come to value his faith in the last few years, which will serve him well. He may have had a fling with villain Courtney Robertson (remember her?), but don’t believe all the tabloids that claim they were dating up until a few months ago. No. I have followed Arie on Instagram for the past 5 years, so I would know. I have to say, though, I read Courtney’s book I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, in which she talks about hooking up with Arie after she broke up with Ugly Ben (she won his season), and I can see why Arie was into her. She’s kind of hilarious.

Here’s a picture me reading Courtney’s book with no shame while on vacation to Harry Potter World in 2015. If that doesn’t sum up my life, I do not know what does.

Will I be jealous of Arie’s winner? Only a little because I’m now happily married. But still. A little. Will I be disappointed if he chooses a 24 year old? Deeply. Will I expect a montage of his iconic kisses with Emily? YES.

Guys, just trust me on this. It’ll be a great season. What could possibly go wrong with a race car driving hottie who likes the outdoors and skinny ties? We all knew Peter wasn’t ready and Dean is a literal fetus. I mean, who else did you want it to be? Hot Ben 2.0? No. Producers made the right choice. Now all that’s left is to look forward to January!