Bachelor Recap, Nick, Ep. 4: Abraham Lincoln Took Naps

Catherine P, you are a gift from heaven. I tried looking you up on Facebook to see if we have mutual friends, and my stalking skills failed me (perhaps for the first time in my entire life). So, whoever you are, thank you for the amazing Venmo money that will buy me at least 4 iced soy chai lattes, which carries us almost to Hometowns. Bachelor Nation doesn’t deserve you.[I’m not kidding when I say that you guys finding me on Venmo and sending caffeine/wine money to get me through the recaps truly is the light of my life. Well, besides my puppy. Because have you seen her? WAIT YOU HAVEN’T?? You mean to say you don’t follow her on Instagram??@nomalikesonoma. You’re welcome.]A few thoughts right off the bat about this episode:

• Now that I know Danielle L’s boobs so intimately, I can appreciate JoJo’s surgeon even more. Don’t get me wrong, Danielle L is pretty and all, but her boob job can’t hold a candle to JoJo’s– which is something I can say with confidence since I stared JoJo’s rack for an entire season (not by choice…but even as a straight woman, I didn’t hate it).

• Corinne has lost all her marbles and is purposefully playing up the villain role, which actually makes me kind of love her because she’s pure entertainment and knows it. #luxurycorn

• Alexis needs her own spin off show

  • Raven is DEFINITELY an alien. Alexis is 100% spot on. Raven and Daniel the Alien are working together, no doubt. Plot twist: Chad is an undercover alien hunter. This just became a new show that I’m REALLY excited about.

Last episode, we were left feeling proud to be a woman (unless you’re a male, in which case HI Pageant Chris, I know you’re the only one among us) after Vanessa told Nick she doesn’t want to keep his rose if he’s just looking for someone to mess around with. Editors finally made a good choice this season and we pick back up where we left off, with all the girls telling off Nick for dry humping Corinne in the bouncy house (that sentence alone is why I write these recaps).Nick has the eloquence of Farmer Chris dressed like Eminem, and manages to mumble “I don’t know” 80 times before finally telling Vanessa that she needs to be more patient. I wanted her to give back the rose, step on his brand new white sneakers (because #poolattire), and march those sassy hoop earrings right back to Canada, but sadly she didn’t seem to notice his lack of apology, and left the conversation convinced he’d send Corinne home. RIGHTTTTT like producers would let Corinne go before she can wreak havoc in at least 3 more cities.While all the girls are freaking out about Corinne’s antics, especially Jasmine (who is a season behind in her floral kimono), the lady of the hour is upstairs taking a nap without a care in the world. She’s obviously just preparing herself to stay awake for the rose ceremony tonight, but the other girls don’t appreciate her efforts. Sarah and Taylor come upstairs to tell her she is upsetting the rest of the girls and needs to pull herself together (i.e. stay awake for planned group activities, and preferably not straddle their boyfriend). Sleepy Corinne gives zero flips about their advice, and responds by quoting Regina George.”Why are you so obsessed with me?”This is right about when I started settling into my enjoyment of Corinne. Villains who know they’re villains are fantastic. It’s the ones who don’t know they’re villains that are the real problem.It’s worth mentioning that Raven wears pool floaties on her arms to the rose ceremony.Corinne just barely manages to wake up for the ceremony, ferociously picking sleep out of the corner of her eye before Nick arrives with the roses. I applaud her for pulling through.Rose Ceremony:Vanessa, Rachel, and Danielle L already have roses. The rest go to:RavenTaylorWhitneyKristinaJasmine Alexis AstridDanielle MJaimeJosephineSarah CorinneWe say goodbye to Christen and Brittany (guess he liked Corinne’s boobs better, womp). Christen threw Nick so much shade on her way out and it was everything. No smiles or well wishes for you, sir.Take good care of those lil’ birdies in your hair, girl! We’ll miss your funny faces and creative lipstick choices!Nick is really into the sister wives idea, so he tells the remaining victims that he’s really happy to see them all so sad when they say goodbye to girls he dumps. “It weirdly means a lot to me that you’re all so close.” Gulp.Corinne decides to close the night by giving a speech to Nick and the girls about how lucky they all are to be there, and Alexis is .05 seconds away from throwing her rose at Corinne’s face. I wanted to it to happen SO badly.The next morning, the girls gather in the living room in adorable work out clothes, with the exception of Corinne who wears a camera man’s t-shirt that she found lying around the house because mornings are hard. Chris Harrison walks in to tell them the good news that this journey is about to take them around the WORLD! First stop…Milwaukee, Wisconsin!After just barely feigning excitement, the girls run upstairs to pack. Next thing we know, they’ve landed in Wisconsin and Kristina is riding around on the baggage claim belt. I guarantee you I’d get arrested immediately if I did that, but watch me try in April when I fly to Chicago. I’ll let you know how it goes.Milwaukee is Nick’s “hometown,” even though he only visits once a year because he lives in Chicago. But a Bashler is not The Bashler unless he has rural roots, so here we are.First things first, Nick’s mom is not a regular mom. She’s a cool mom. With her leather jacket and Justin Bieber hair, I’m convinced that her husband, “Nick’s dad,” is 100% for hire.Though on a positive note, “Chris” tells Nick that they never want to see him on the show again, so I say this “dad” is welcome back any time.The girls wander around Milwaukee feeding ducks as if they’re exotic creatures until Nick shows up and asks Danielle L to join him on a one-on-one date. They scurry off to a little bakery, where they decorate cookies to look like Chris Harrison, inspiring me to host a Bachelor finale party with the same activity. I am worried that Nick’s pants will split if he has even one small bite, but the material manages to hold on for dear life.You won’t believe what happens next! Nick and Danielle are just strolling along and HAPPEN to run into Nick’s ex! She is sitting in the window seat of a coffee shop and they are SHOCKED to see one another. And I’m sad to report that, no, this ex was not Kaitlyn or Andi. Or Liz– man, that would’ve been great.Instead, they sit down with “Amber” for a cup a joe, which seems to annoy Danielle until she realizes that the odds Nick actually dated this chick are as low as Nick’s v neck. Literally nothing interesting happens during their conversation with “Amber,” and even less happens when Nick takes Danielle to a random hill to make out for the rest of the afternoon. Except letting it slip that he lost his virginity on that very hill. Romantic.I have nothing to say about the night portion of the date other than Danielle L tried to bring back the side ponytail and it did. not. work. They had a “private” concert in front of a thousand people, she got the rose, blahblahblah.Group date:RachelAlexisVanessaJasmineJaimiSarahWhitneyKristinaAstridTaylorJosephineDanielle MCorinne”Say cheese. –Nick“The girls all put on their favorite pair of boots to greet Nick on a dairy farm. RIP to thousands of dollars worth of shoes. Corinne is particularly peeved to be on such a dirty date, and– like all of us– would “much rather be in a spa being fed a taco. Preferably chicken.” Direct quote. But who can argue with that.Nick is feeding a baby cow with a bottle when the girls walk in because he owes the producers big time for letting him become the Bashler. Thus, he must do any and everything they say.The girls get to do farm chores on their date, because nothing is more romantic than pulling on a cow’s teat, as we learned from Jaimi the bisexual, who actually had to show Nick how to work the nipple. He was unable to get any milk, so Jaimi strolled on over and displayed the art of teat massaging. At this point, I think he’s keeping her around just for pointers, which is a totally fair strategy for his long game.Although a few of these girls are the kinky types, none of them have any experience making poop into a sexual experience THANK GOD, so instead they muck all the cow poop into buckets while covering their mouths and groaning. Josephine’s white jeans are the real victim, but Corinne tries to steal that role by claiming her fingers had frostbite and she could not continue.”Even Raquel is above shoveling poop.” At least Corinne has some limits for her nanny. Perhaps the Free Raquel GoFundMe page wasn’t necessary, after all.Corinne’s thoughts on the other girls agreeing to shovel poop: “You have to have a blind sense of smell to shovel poop, so I respect it.” Do you think we can request Raquel to tutor Corinne on the five senses?Corinne stays awake during the night portion to overhear the other girls calling her immature. She disagrees with their assessment. She further explains that the girls just don’t understand her. She is a corn husk. You gotta peel back the layers and reveal a golden, luxury piece of corn. Juicy and buttery. Ashley I is sitting at home nodding her head fervently. She gets it.We get a brief break from The Corinne Show to see Vanessa give Nick an adorable scrapbook from her special needs students. Can we just end the season now? Wait, no, don’t. Mondays are so boring without this. Nick almost chokes her as they kiss because he must be touching her neck at all times, but luckily she survives to see another rose ceremony.Just as I’m thinking we’ll get to see something other than Corinne’s face for awhile, she decides to give the girls another speech. Sarah uses this opportunity to tell her that she needs to stop sleeping all the time. This bothers Corinne because Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. Why am I getting in trouble for taking naps??One of the best arguments I’ve ever heard in my life, tbh.Kristina the Russian is the next to confront Corinne, which sets Corinne off. Why are you all so mad that I’m being competitive and also refusing to shovel cow poop?”We’re fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle!”Well, that’s true I guess.Kristina gets the group date rose because she tells Nick she has a sad past that she wants to share with him. He literally told her that he doesn’t have time right now to hear it, but try again on a different date. Rude, but okay.Second one-on-one date:Raven”Let’s kick it. — Nick“Nick takes Raven to his little sister’s soccer game, where she meets his parents. Raven is an alien, let’s remember, so she’s not entirely sure how to behave when meeting a human boyfriend’s parents. She tries to explain why her name is Raven when his dad inquires, but doesn’t make eye contact. Could’ve gone better, could’ve gone worse.Nick and Raven then accompany his little sister’s entire soccer team to a skating rink where Raven falls a lot and Nick shows off his roller skating skills. It really shouldn’t have surprised anyone that he’s so good at it.The night portion of the date takes place at a museum, where they “eat dinner” at a tiny table in a room that resembles the inside of an egg. It’s during this conversation that I realize Alexis has every reason to fear Raven. She explains to Nick that she walked in on her ex-boyfriend cheating on her. He asks for details, and boy does she deliver. Apparently, a friend warned her he was with another girl when she was visiting her parents. As soon as she found out, she drove home to find him on top of her. “He was thrusting her when I walked in. I know what her vagina looks like.”The fact that she used the word “thrusting” was perhaps the most jarring part of her story.I thought that was the real juice until I found out what happened next. Raven said she jumped onto the bed, started punching the naked girl in the face, then took the girl’s stiletto and beat her boyfriend over the head with it.Since she’s an alien programmed to behave human-like, this is probably the reaction that aliens believe to be normal when discovering infidelity.Nick finds the story entertaining instead of frightening, so he gives her the rose, hands her a pair of roller blades, and they roller blade around the museum because life is fun!For a split second, I thought we might actually get a rose ceremony at the end of the episode like the good ole days, but it was just a tease. The women wander into a barn covered in hay and candles, which is even more alarming than Corinne yelling at Taylor while they’re sitting underneath the same blanket. You see, Taylor decides to tell Corinne that her emotional intelligence is low, and that she’s not mature enough for marriage. Even I have to side with Corinne on this one, given that Taylor is TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD. Like, you’re both fetuses. This argument is literally happening inside the womb.Nick barely gets to talk to any of the girls before we cut to “TO BE CONTINUED…” right after Corinne tells the camera that she literally can’t even.Next week is the two-on-one, and we already find out that it’s Corinne vs. Taylor! Let the showdown begin. $20 that Corinne stays because Nick hasn’t seen her platinum vagine yet.The ending credits is when we’re blessed with Alexis’ alien theory. She explains to Nick that her two biggest fears are

• Nicolas Cage, the actor

• and aliens

He poses a brilliant follow up question, which is to ask which of the girls left is most likely to be an alien? Her answer is Raven. And it makes so. much. sense.Hear you guys next week! Or is it “see”…